Coming Out with a Vengeance: All About Me (of course)

From the vault I've tracked down my coming out email. I have a few running bits of commentary just in case you didn't already know these things about me or the people I mention in this letter.

6/23/97

Dear Mom & Dad,

Well, I really don't know where to begin. I guess there's really no easy way to approach the subject. So I'll just say it. I am gay.


Hopefully it's something you've suspected for years. It would make it much easier for all of us if that's the case. And, yes, Chris is my boyfriend, in case you were wondering. We've been dating for the last six months, and I really love him. He's the first guy that has been decent to me and truly loves me back. I hadn't met him yet when I decided to move. If you remember right I wanted to do that way back in November. ***I should have moved way sooner I was 23 & too old to be living with them anyway***

I don't want you to think Chris has changed me or something because that's not the case at all. He's not my first boyfriend, *** he actually was the first real boyfriend***, just the first one I wanted to build a future with. *** we split in 2000, but remain friends*** We started out as a long distance type of thing, for two months actually. And I've been very surprised at how well we get along.

I'm sorry that I am telling you on the computer, but I don't think I could ever get enough courage to tell you face to face. Not that I'm ashamed of who I am. I've always kind of known in the back of my mind that I was gay. But I didn't want to be, because people make fun of me and call me names. You know that I've always been a follower. And I still am in a big way. I don't want to come out to the whole world, but coming out to you has to happen right now, while I still live close enough to you to help you understand that I'm the same person I've always been. The only difference is that there aren't any more secrets between us. For right now, I'd appreciate it if you keep this between us. The fewer people that know, for now , the better. Unless you're comfortable talking to Brad & Cory ***my brothers, who were 20 & 16 at the time*** about it. I know for a fact that Brad has suspected for years. I also think that it's funny (in a way) that Brad and Naomi's kids *** they split in 2000 later divorcing before having any children*** are going to have 3 uncles that are gay.

There are a handful of girls that know about me. Suzy knows. Jennifer Walton knows. Joel, Todd, and Troy have known for like three years. I trust all of these people *** I trusted Suzy & Jennifer but barely knew the others*** and they have all been very supportive, especially Suzy. They's why we're so close. Joel and Troy ***Naomi's gay twin brothers*** knew before I had actually come to terms with it myself. They found out through a membeer of a support group that I wrote to about four years ago. He blabbed to them. I told a couple of girls at WIU, cuz I had just been dumped by Scott. ***just a guy I had a massive crush on, but he was a bigger closet case than I was and had a girlfriend at the time*** Back then I was very secretive about it, and I would go through long periods of depression, even thoughts of suicide (which would never be a solution to any kind of problem). ***fyi, I never gave suicide a single serious thought just sometimes wondered what would be everyone's reaction to it*** I'm not quite the same any more. I'm still a private type of guy, but I no longer feel bad about it. Especially after my trip to Chicago. Truth is, Chris and I went to gay neighborhoods on the North side of Chicago. To me it was very liberating. So many businesses there are gay friendly and some are owned by gay people. Most of the people that live there are gay. And it's pretty much like any other neighborhood. It's not weird like I thought it would be. It was my idea to go to these places. Chris didn't even know where most of this stuff was. But I knew the addresses from Chicago gay press which I've been reading for years. *** I think I made that part up*** Funny thing is that all of these neighborhoods are right around Wrigley Field. Who would have thought that in the middle of all of these houses full of gay people would be one of the oldest macho family traditions this country has ever known. BASEBALL!!.

My whole life I've have wanted to live in a big ity. And I hope to move there some day. Part of the reason I wanted to move to a big city when I was a kid was because I knew I could be anonymous and that I could be openly gay there and not be shunned by everyone. But I've found that peoples attitudes have really changed toward gay people. And that people aren't afraid to tell the truth any more. In this day of AIDS, I don't see how we, as a society, can avoid or ignore the plight of gay people and this horrible, horrible disease. ***cue the violins, Chris & I watched too many Lifetime movies back then*** If you think that you are far removed from it, you're wrong. I have always been safe, and have had very few partners.

It's unfortunate that many people go their whole lives and never reveal the truth about themselves. I'm just here to say that I don't want to be one of those people. People like _____ ______ ***I omitted this man's name, but this was a local guy that was married with 2 teen kids when he came out to his wife and family and admitted an affair*** What he did was devastating to his family. But I can't be lumped into the same category as someone like him. The lies stop here. I guess I figured it's better to just do this now than 10 years down the road when I'm married and everything is more complicated and "scandalous". I can't see ever hurting someone in that way.

This acquaintance once told me that everyone knows a gay person. And I told him, not my parents. But I was wrong, you know me. And there are others that you know or that you know of, that are also gay. But unfortunately I can't reveal them to you, because they wish to keep it a secret. There are gays in all walks of life and every profession you can possibly imagine. People don't like to think about it. *** ugh I read this now and I can't even describe how preachy I sounded***

The next time you go out to dinner with all of your dancing pals chances are, your waiter is gay. Or the dealer at the casinos. Or the guy that helps you with your bank loans. The kid behind the front desk of the hotel where you're staying. And many many more. *** those were all guys I'd either dated or were new friends with at that time***

I see this as a big weight being lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to hide this from you any more. And I'm truly happy about everything for the first time in my life. I hope you don't think I'm being selfish. *** I totally was, but I believe it was well deserved after the misery I'd put myself through*** But it has taken my years to be this confident about myself. and I no longer feel lost like I did when I came back from WIU.

I know it might be weird for a while. I've already thought about that. After hiding it for this many years, it's not going to be easy. But it has to be done, so I can go on with my life and realize my full potential. *** I don't think I've realized that, or even know what that means now*** I know you will eventually have questions about it. After you get over the initial shock. I just want you to know that I will answer your questions the best I can. I hope you're not embarassed to ask questions. If I know the answer I will tell you.

I hope you realize what a big step this is for me. And part of the reason I didn't want to tell you face to face was because I wanted you to have time to think about what you wanted to say back to me. I didn't want to get upset or get into an argument. I think that would have been a disaster. Quite frankly, I'm a bit scared of your reaction. With Mom's history of being on the outs with her family from time to time, I didn't want that to happen to us. But I've kind of distanced myself from you in case that does happen. I want to be able to stand on my own.

This is only the beginning, please do not avoid this issue. ** this line feels kinda pompous now*** The more we talk about it, the closer we will remain. It's a fact of my life that is not going away. It won't change, I've been there, done that, and won't go back again.

Love,

-Dusty

****After rereading this I realized how bad I ramble on. I did my best cutting it down. I also realize how much crap I laid on my parents with this message ( there was more) . If it was a movie the title would be "Coming Out with a Vengence" I don't recall why I was so angry back then. It was as if I lumped my parents' views together with all of society. This wasn't the full message, I went into gay historical stuff as if they would have cared about it and into kinda gay political issues that again, they wouldn't have cared about.

Their reaction wasn't like that of PFLAG parents, and I sparred with them in emails for a few months but to this day they have and always will stand by me, no matter what. There's never been any question that they love me unconditionally. They had known for years but made it clear they really didn't want to talk about it. However a month after I sent this message my Dad co-signed for an apartment for me and my ex-boyfriend. Sure, I sometimes wish it was more in the open but have come to realize that I censor myself too often. Since I don't talk about it, they don't feel the need to bring it up either. I came out when I was 23, I'm now 33 and I can't say that I've ever referred to myself as gay around my family. Well, every once in a while I do around my brothers and once with my Aunt. But I do tell my parents when I start dating someone new. And I forewarn them when I plan to do a "meet the parents" dinner or gathering.

I've been out almost 10 years now and in many ways I'm still in the closet around my family. But in my own life, I'm more out than I ever thought I would be. I'm to that point now where people I meet already know and they push me to share more details about my life. They want to know everything, uncensored, and I love that. But that small town boy in me still hides sometimes. It's a constant internal struggle for an introvert like me. I hope it doesn't sound as if I blame my family for my own BS because I've been very lucky to have come out in a supportive environment. I guess my only beef here is that for some reason I can't push myself to be more open with my family and that I sometimes get the feeling that they are ok with not knowing me as well as my coworkers, bosses, and friends do.

Anyway, enough rambling for now,

-D

I know I hardly ever blog. Oh well, I would say I've been busy but I'm not a liar. Well not tonight anyway. Anywayz, here are some pictures from a crazy halloween night. I was a butt pirate. Hardly original and not that far out of character really. In fact, the small-ish bar I went to had like 4 other pirates. So yeah, I didn't win any best costume prizes. I started out the night at my brother Brad, gf Shaya, and their friend Courtney's Halloween bash at Bier Stube in Moline. Here are a few pics from that.



Shaya (left) and Courtney.



Shaya, Brad, & Courtney



Two bikers chicks (Pat & Vicky) and a drag queen. Wait, no, that's a real woman. But drag queens would have been jealous of this headwear



Courtney (back left) and a bunch of people I don't know.



Chubs McGee and Biker Babe Vicky. I think she had a woody for me. Er, I mean.....oh u know what I mean....

From here I had to take an early exit from their party because I wanted to meet up with my friends and hit the homo bars. :-) So I went home and they hadn't left yet.



My friend Brian, being a scrooge as usual. Apparently he was supposed to be a straight man or frat boy or something..... Ugh...zzz...zzzz....zzzz...zzzzz



Eric, aka glitterboy, or Starman on this particular night. Not sure his title or the name of his costume seemed to change all night.



Yeah I did.........fyi, that's not the real thing, duh!



Eric, Moi, Dave, & Ed (the fluffer, on his knees where he belongs)



Dave, making the best face ever. Yes folks, he works in the finance industry. Comforting, isn't it?



Fuzz, aka Aaron grrrr.... :-) oh and Brian too.... I guess....



Jeff and Brian



Andrea, she'd probably kill me for posting this. She didn't wear a costume but she's excused unlike Brian. Her costume last year kicked ass. Here's a few pix of her from last year:





She's so skinny. I hate her!!! j/k.....



Russy the Hussy..... nice teeth



An exhausted (aka. drunk) Fluffer. This Bitch won 200 fucking dollars!!!!!!!! (best costume)



Who's more drunk? Mike wore some kind of FUBU jumpsuit. I think he was supposed to be black (er, African American for those PC folks) but I thought he kinda looked like Fabrizio Moretti, drummer from "The Strokes" (shown below)



Don't you agree?

Anyway, that was my halloween night. I came home, peeled out of that ridiculous costume, and had a KILLER hangover when I woke up the next afternoon.

The End,

-D

Actually, I called you an ASSHOLE!......

Hey all, I know I never write anything any more. But thought I should provide an update of sorts. Bear with me, I am not a good storyteller. I tend to leave out important facts that connect the beginning with the end. Anyway....

Saturday night I had my 15 year high school reunion. I was dreading going because, as with most reunions, it's time to show off your acheivements, children, etc, or lack thereof. But I did go. I showed up an hour late. Which gave me about an hour before the band and drowned out most long covnersations. A good time was had by all. I actually saw people I'd wanted to see at my 10 year, but for some reason they hadn't shown back then. I was very happy to leave early and meet up with friends to hit the bars.

So I picked Natalie up and we stopped off at home for a drink. Then we ran off to the bars. Fast forward to about 20 minutes before closing, I'm standing with my back turned talking with friends and all of the sudden I'm startled by a deep voice yelling "MOVE!!" Not "excuse me", not a tap on the shoulder, not even that annoying push-through you'd see in crowded bars, (it wasn't) . Just "MOVE!" So I turned and saw some dude standing right over my shoulder, I get out of his way, and as he passed I called him an asshole, intentionally loud enough that he could hear. So he walks a few more steps to the end of the bar turns back at us and yells FUCK YOU!!. I shook my head in disgust, assumed he was a drunk fuck, and figured that was the end of it. So the bar closes and I'm outside talking to Jason. The dude comes up and Jason jokingly says to him something about "doesn't this dude look straight?" (referring to me).

He says "no, you're the guy that called me a prick"

"Actually I called you an asshole" I said.

Dude starts to get all puffed up as hetero boys tend to do. You know the typical dialogue; "you're a pussy, I'll kick your ass, etc" I said "I don't even know you, why're you messing with me?" I don't remember what he said after that as Jason told his friend to leave me alone, that I was "cool" (whatever that means). I was glad for that, considering I was out with about 8 people but there were none standing there. I kept my trap shut, but once Jason walked me aside, I kinda let him have it since the dude was his friend. I was just drunk enough to be stupid. I said if this is your friend "don't bring him back", basically I went on a tirade about how the dude was straight (so is Jason) and didn't belong in a gay bar unless he was looking for guys.

In hindsight, I don't give a shit who goes to the bar as long as they're not trying to start shit with me, my friends, or anyone else out to have a good time without being hassled. And for some reason the dude was out to hassle someone. If I wanted to put up with that bullshit I'd go to The District or Carriage Haus. In the 10 years I've been out, the only time I've seen fights at gay bars is between former lovers. I think, if you're a straight guy and you're comfortable enough in your masculinity/sexuality to go to a gay bar, then by all means, GO. But if you can't manage to check the macho tough guy bullshit at the door, then you have no business in a gay bar. Shit, I didn't even hit on him. LOL.. Fighting for no reason isn't a butch, masculine, hetero/gay or whatever trait, it's just plain stupid.

So we get to Augie's and there he was with Jason. I ignored the situation the best I could, but my ex cornered me about it and I went off at him too(sorry). He and Natalie confronted the guy and of course he said I started all of it. He probably would have kicked my ass, if I hadn't shut up. Considering I've only thrown one punch (in defense) and only been in like 2 fights in my entire life, experience was not in my favor. :-) But for the first time I kinda felt like I understood what Mike says about bullies. "You stand up for yourself and don't hold back, or you'll get walked on forever" I have no intentions of being a doormat.

Ok, enough of that, I didn't get my ass kicked, I'm not pissed at the dude and I likely won't remember shit the next time I see him. **old age is setting in**

Until next time, take care ya'll

-D



PS. I do want to add here that the guy never said a derrogatory word about gays, fags, homos, or whatever. But to me, thats what his actions were saying. I felt like he was acting that way, thinking no one would stand up to him because we're gay. Maybe that's my issue, maybe his attitude. I suppose we'll never know. I don't hate the straighties. (I promise)

The best way to annoy the neighbors........

That's right I'm annoying the neighbors.

I could think of other things that would probably annoy the neighbors more than what I'm doing Like blasting gay porn at 3am. But that's not what I do. oh who am I kidding, yes I do. Anyway.... the point of this blog is I've made a couple videos. Wait, not porn videos you pervs. I mean I've made a couple videos of me playing my guitar. Two reasons, first I was that bored and second I wanted to hear for myself if I'm improving. Which I'm happy to report I am. Now you may not think so from these videos but keep in mind they are dark and grainy, I wasn't attempting to play a full song, and I wasn't really warmed up.(excuses, pouring in) I was just dinking around like I usually do. Turn up the volume and:

Watch the FIRST VIDEO, just some bluesy solo/riffing.

If you haven't sworn off hearing another guitar in your life. then ......

Watch the SECOND VIDEO , I attempted some song "parts" First it's the intro to Enter Sandman by Metallica, followed by some of my own riffy power cords. Then I have the intro & up to the solo (sorta) of Crazy Dream by Los Lonely Boys.

Tell me what ya think. I'm not a pro obviously and I've never taken any lessons. All self taught playing by ear and tabs. I won't admit how long I've actually been playing because I should be able to play much better than I do..

Sorry, I couldn't get the youtube.com code to actually embed on this blog page. Why don't they make the blog page just like the main profile page? God damn myspace! I actually wrote and lost this blog like 5 times. I finally got smart and used Wordpad to save the text. If anyone knows how to embed a Youtube.com player/code thingy on the blog page, give me a heads up. I've been able to post them in people's pages and my profile page but the blog page is different. I've seen them in other user's blogs but I'm assuming there's more to it than just copying the code.

Thanks for watching/listening.

-D

Go out and buy the new Los Lonely Boys CD "Sacred". It came out today. It's not as good as the first but still better than most music I get a chance to hear.

Wrapped up like a douche......huh????.

See below, for one of my fan letters. I'm still puzzled what I did to the dude. Maybe I didn't approve his friend request. Seriously, am I supposed to approve every douchebag that sends me a friend request? I think I vaguely remember getting a message from him or viewing his profile. But I'm in his ignore bin now. I'm so crushed..

the devil wears prada

Date: Jul 17, 2006 10:53 PM
Subject: fuck u asshole ur going to my ignore bin
Body: fucking bitch whatever shallow asshole

I'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song......

Uh, I know it's a song lyric heading. Witness me, giving a shit whether you like it or not. Anyway... I haven't blogged in a coon's age. And no girls, that's not a racist reference as much as you would like it to be. So much time so little to cover...... huh??? Yeah not much to report, rant, or rave about on this end. I've been going out with co-workers the last couple Wednesdays and it's been a blast. Our office is so uptight and we've been working a lot of overtime so letting off some steam has been the number one goal.

Anyway, I did want to let ya'll know I sang karaoke tonight. I know, who hasn't, right? Well I haven't before tonight. The first one was with my friend Beth, and we sang of course, Beth by Kiss. All I knew was the chorus. :-) Then I sang Sugar We're goin down by Fall Out Boy. I probably sounded like shit because I'm soft spoken and that dude kinda wails. Anyway it was good time. I was out until 2 and have to be up at 7:30am. So that's about all I'm gonna write for now. I am feeling a creative urge though. So expect a flurry of blogs over the weekend. Hopefully.

Oh yeah! I also still haven't visited the Coffee Artist Cafe. I'm such a bad friend :-( Maybe I'll do lunch there on Friday if I don't trek to Iowa City.

Later hobos,

-D

Throw me that bag of doritos, dude!

So I had my little family/reunion country weekend and hmmm, yeah everyone had to proceed in telling me that I'd put on weight or that I was "big" boy! Bitches! Does it cushion the blow to refer to a grown man in his 30's as boy when you're telling him he's a fat ass? But it did get my mind working FINALLY. and I realized........

OMG, I'm like a stoner without the high but definitely the munchies and lethargy. FUCK! All I've done for about the last year is eat like every meal was my last and exercise like Chris Farley sans that eightball. Seriously I think someone is gonna need to order a crane to get my ass off the couch or away from my desk. So like any self respecting fag would do when they realize such a problem exists, I'm planning a course for self improvement. Doesn't the thought of that statement make ya wanna puke? Well it does me because it's such self-help bullshit. The constant affirmation and pep talks ya have to give yourself to stay motivated. UGH..

I went to dinner a few nights ago with my friend Eric. He's finally recovering from being crazy and the world is breathing a sigh of relief. We started talking about careers and goals, etc.... because that's what he always fucking talks about. This bitch has 3 degrees now! Granted they are all for 3 very different types of careers but at least he's set goals and achieved them. He talked about wanting to get into shape and we talked about my fat ass and I discovered that I must have been depressed because I haven't kicked myself in the ass and haven't even really gave a shit about anything or anyone for a long time. I dunno it sounds better than I was just a lazy ass with a bad diet of junk food and huge meals. My apathy has reached new highs? lows? Whatever , I don't even care! j/k I do care which means I must finally be ending my depression. So apparently depression for me means total apathy and binge eating. I'm totally like one of those girls in "Mean Girls" that eats her feelings and I didn't even know. I couldn't tell ya for sure what I was depressed about; life, love, money? All three, who knows. But I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel and I'm so jazzed that summer is here. I'm still forming a plan of action but I'll keep you informed how I'm progressing.

Ok, my 30 minutes of self realization is over. My next blog will be more entertaining or least better to look at. (that's right, I ended that sentence with a preposition) I'll tell ya'll about last weekend. Every last beautiful racist moment.

Yours truly,

-Fatty McFatty

PS. I'm not fishing for compliments, so shove them somewhere else.