Paralysis.....

I still sleep on the left side of the bed.
And wake up clutching his pillow.
We haven't spoke in seven months.
I convinced myself it was time to let go.
After my birthday, how selfish.

Writing about this brings back memories.
Of turning to him for comfort after my cousin's death.
Of the week long trip to Chicago.
Of sharing the news I would be an uncle.
I really miss him hearing that I'll be an uncle again.

There is at least a daily story that involves him.
Occasionally vague, but often by name.
I told a friend today how much he hated mushrooms.
Never allowing them in spaghetti sauce.
He said they were like tongues, but I love mushrooms.

He'd never pass gas in front of me,
Except in his sleep.
Once, I dried the small of his back
Whispering wet back in his ear.
Completely forgetting the words offensive connotation.

He was rightfully leary of my family.
And I was unfairly protective of them.
He rarely ignored or missed a word I said
Although I often accused him of not listening.
And now I say nothing for fear no one is listening.

I believe he has moved on from the heartache I caused.
I sometimes wonder if I can.

Coming Out with a Vengeance: All About Me (of course)

From the vault I've tracked down my coming out email. I have a few running bits of commentary just in case you didn't already know these things about me or the people I mention in this letter.

6/23/97

Dear Mom & Dad,

Well, I really don't know where to begin. I guess there's really no easy way to approach the subject. So I'll just say it. I am gay.


Hopefully it's something you've suspected for years. It would make it much easier for all of us if that's the case. And, yes, Chris is my boyfriend, in case you were wondering. We've been dating for the last six months, and I really love him. He's the first guy that has been decent to me and truly loves me back. I hadn't met him yet when I decided to move. If you remember right I wanted to do that way back in November. ***I should have moved way sooner I was 23 & too old to be living with them anyway***

I don't want you to think Chris has changed me or something because that's not the case at all. He's not my first boyfriend, *** he actually was the first real boyfriend***, just the first one I wanted to build a future with. *** we split in 2000, but remain friends*** We started out as a long distance type of thing, for two months actually. And I've been very surprised at how well we get along.

I'm sorry that I am telling you on the computer, but I don't think I could ever get enough courage to tell you face to face. Not that I'm ashamed of who I am. I've always kind of known in the back of my mind that I was gay. But I didn't want to be, because people make fun of me and call me names. You know that I've always been a follower. And I still am in a big way. I don't want to come out to the whole world, but coming out to you has to happen right now, while I still live close enough to you to help you understand that I'm the same person I've always been. The only difference is that there aren't any more secrets between us. For right now, I'd appreciate it if you keep this between us. The fewer people that know, for now , the better. Unless you're comfortable talking to Brad & Cory ***my brothers, who were 20 & 16 at the time*** about it. I know for a fact that Brad has suspected for years. I also think that it's funny (in a way) that Brad and Naomi's kids *** they split in 2000 later divorcing before having any children*** are going to have 3 uncles that are gay.

There are a handful of girls that know about me. Suzy knows. Jennifer Walton knows. Joel, Todd, and Troy have known for like three years. I trust all of these people *** I trusted Suzy & Jennifer but barely knew the others*** and they have all been very supportive, especially Suzy. They's why we're so close. Joel and Troy ***Naomi's gay twin brothers*** knew before I had actually come to terms with it myself. They found out through a membeer of a support group that I wrote to about four years ago. He blabbed to them. I told a couple of girls at WIU, cuz I had just been dumped by Scott. ***just a guy I had a massive crush on, but he was a bigger closet case than I was and had a girlfriend at the time*** Back then I was very secretive about it, and I would go through long periods of depression, even thoughts of suicide (which would never be a solution to any kind of problem). ***fyi, I never gave suicide a single serious thought just sometimes wondered what would be everyone's reaction to it*** I'm not quite the same any more. I'm still a private type of guy, but I no longer feel bad about it. Especially after my trip to Chicago. Truth is, Chris and I went to gay neighborhoods on the North side of Chicago. To me it was very liberating. So many businesses there are gay friendly and some are owned by gay people. Most of the people that live there are gay. And it's pretty much like any other neighborhood. It's not weird like I thought it would be. It was my idea to go to these places. Chris didn't even know where most of this stuff was. But I knew the addresses from Chicago gay press which I've been reading for years. *** I think I made that part up*** Funny thing is that all of these neighborhoods are right around Wrigley Field. Who would have thought that in the middle of all of these houses full of gay people would be one of the oldest macho family traditions this country has ever known. BASEBALL!!.

My whole life I've have wanted to live in a big ity. And I hope to move there some day. Part of the reason I wanted to move to a big city when I was a kid was because I knew I could be anonymous and that I could be openly gay there and not be shunned by everyone. But I've found that peoples attitudes have really changed toward gay people. And that people aren't afraid to tell the truth any more. In this day of AIDS, I don't see how we, as a society, can avoid or ignore the plight of gay people and this horrible, horrible disease. ***cue the violins, Chris & I watched too many Lifetime movies back then*** If you think that you are far removed from it, you're wrong. I have always been safe, and have had very few partners.

It's unfortunate that many people go their whole lives and never reveal the truth about themselves. I'm just here to say that I don't want to be one of those people. People like _____ ______ ***I omitted this man's name, but this was a local guy that was married with 2 teen kids when he came out to his wife and family and admitted an affair*** What he did was devastating to his family. But I can't be lumped into the same category as someone like him. The lies stop here. I guess I figured it's better to just do this now than 10 years down the road when I'm married and everything is more complicated and "scandalous". I can't see ever hurting someone in that way.

This acquaintance once told me that everyone knows a gay person. And I told him, not my parents. But I was wrong, you know me. And there are others that you know or that you know of, that are also gay. But unfortunately I can't reveal them to you, because they wish to keep it a secret. There are gays in all walks of life and every profession you can possibly imagine. People don't like to think about it. *** ugh I read this now and I can't even describe how preachy I sounded***

The next time you go out to dinner with all of your dancing pals chances are, your waiter is gay. Or the dealer at the casinos. Or the guy that helps you with your bank loans. The kid behind the front desk of the hotel where you're staying. And many many more. *** those were all guys I'd either dated or were new friends with at that time***

I see this as a big weight being lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to hide this from you any more. And I'm truly happy about everything for the first time in my life. I hope you don't think I'm being selfish. *** I totally was, but I believe it was well deserved after the misery I'd put myself through*** But it has taken my years to be this confident about myself. and I no longer feel lost like I did when I came back from WIU.

I know it might be weird for a while. I've already thought about that. After hiding it for this many years, it's not going to be easy. But it has to be done, so I can go on with my life and realize my full potential. *** I don't think I've realized that, or even know what that means now*** I know you will eventually have questions about it. After you get over the initial shock. I just want you to know that I will answer your questions the best I can. I hope you're not embarassed to ask questions. If I know the answer I will tell you.

I hope you realize what a big step this is for me. And part of the reason I didn't want to tell you face to face was because I wanted you to have time to think about what you wanted to say back to me. I didn't want to get upset or get into an argument. I think that would have been a disaster. Quite frankly, I'm a bit scared of your reaction. With Mom's history of being on the outs with her family from time to time, I didn't want that to happen to us. But I've kind of distanced myself from you in case that does happen. I want to be able to stand on my own.

This is only the beginning, please do not avoid this issue. ** this line feels kinda pompous now*** The more we talk about it, the closer we will remain. It's a fact of my life that is not going away. It won't change, I've been there, done that, and won't go back again.

Love,

-Dusty

****After rereading this I realized how bad I ramble on. I did my best cutting it down. I also realize how much crap I laid on my parents with this message ( there was more) . If it was a movie the title would be "Coming Out with a Vengence" I don't recall why I was so angry back then. It was as if I lumped my parents' views together with all of society. This wasn't the full message, I went into gay historical stuff as if they would have cared about it and into kinda gay political issues that again, they wouldn't have cared about.

Their reaction wasn't like that of PFLAG parents, and I sparred with them in emails for a few months but to this day they have and always will stand by me, no matter what. There's never been any question that they love me unconditionally. They had known for years but made it clear they really didn't want to talk about it. However a month after I sent this message my Dad co-signed for an apartment for me and my ex-boyfriend. Sure, I sometimes wish it was more in the open but have come to realize that I censor myself too often. Since I don't talk about it, they don't feel the need to bring it up either. I came out when I was 23, I'm now 33 and I can't say that I've ever referred to myself as gay around my family. Well, every once in a while I do around my brothers and once with my Aunt. But I do tell my parents when I start dating someone new. And I forewarn them when I plan to do a "meet the parents" dinner or gathering.

I've been out almost 10 years now and in many ways I'm still in the closet around my family. But in my own life, I'm more out than I ever thought I would be. I'm to that point now where people I meet already know and they push me to share more details about my life. They want to know everything, uncensored, and I love that. But that small town boy in me still hides sometimes. It's a constant internal struggle for an introvert like me. I hope it doesn't sound as if I blame my family for my own BS because I've been very lucky to have come out in a supportive environment. I guess my only beef here is that for some reason I can't push myself to be more open with my family and that I sometimes get the feeling that they are ok with not knowing me as well as my coworkers, bosses, and friends do.

Anyway, enough rambling for now,

-D

Love ya like a herpe.

Alright, well I woke up on monday morning and discovered I had the HUGEST! cold sore known to man on my bottom lip. I've been battling this damn thing all week hoping it would be gone by the time the weekend rolled around. Well no such luck. But I have been unfortunate enough to be blessed with a second one on my upper lip just above it. Apparently it's like a Bob Ross painting, it needed a happy little friend. So I'm not in the best of moods. When you can feel your own heart beating in your lips it tends to dampen your spirits. I haven't even kissed anyone in months. FUCK!!

Now, for a total change of topic. ( I mean it)

I've read my ex's blog recently and found a turn toward a lighter mood. I'm glad I haven't been the only one has been remembering good times. I just find it odd how we (everyone) become so mean and vindicitive toward people we once loved so much. No, I'm not talking about him, ok I am, but I'm also talking about me. I was sitting at work on Monday nursing my herpe, and sorta working (or whatever), when memories of happy times with him just popped into my head. It was all triggered because my coworkers and I had ordered Chinese food. I picked up my fortune cookie and without thinking I said aloud, "here's your fortune." This was something my ex always used to say when we had Chinese every Sunday. When he'd crack the cookie it wouldn't be his own fortune, it would be mine. Just a cute tidbit that I remembered. Which of course set off a chain reaction of other sweet quirks I started remembering. Like the way he would never dry off his lower back out of the shower. One time I came up behind him, and in a voice sweet enough to make bitter shitheads wanna vomit I said, "wet-back." Not even realizing what I was saying to my Mexican-Irish boyfriend, until he turned around with a hurt look on his face. LOL! oops. And I remember the funny inside jokes we always had. And how we used to call each other baby. Yeah, it made most people around us sick but we didn't care.

I remember more moments like these because it helps me get over being angry at him for stuff that really doesn't matter any more. Anger at this point is a useless emotion and only serves to poison myself.

We no longer speak. It sucks sometimes, but I understand why it's necessary for both of us.

Break-ups are a bitch,

-D

A moment of introspection.

Anyway uh, my ex has written his own diatribe about "no more" which is a step forward for him. Despite once again writing in a derivative fashion. (Be original!) I'm glad he's pulling himself together and moving on. What we had going was not healthy for either one of us. He's made it his mission to forget me and apparently wants me to do the same. But I'm not exactly in a forgetful kind of space. I think forgetting the people you date and the things that happen in your relationships will make you repeat yourself over and over. If we don't pay attention to our own history are we bound to repeat it? Absolutely.

I've noticed a similar pattern in the men I've dated seriously. In my own way I loved all three but there was definitely a cycle of intensity that each relationship went through and a time came when things were winding down and sometimes crashing down. I, of course, have been the one each time to call things out and say , "you know what? this isn't working!" Each time I acted in reaction to them. Whether it was because of constant bickering and fighting, or a lack of involvement on their part..... Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel, I'm just as much to blame for what brought about the endings as they were. But the breaking up part always seems to be initiated by me while they live in denial.

I've had 3 somewhat messy breakups and each of the guys has expressed different forms of love and hatred for me at the same time. Am I the only person who's in this type of pattern? And how in the fuck do I break out of it?!!!

I have a need for control. In my relationships I've always felt I had an emotional control over the guys to some degree. Maybe that makes me cold and distant perhaps. But I'm all about self preservation. No matter what happens I will be in control of my own emotions. But there's a backlash to this suffocating emotional control I attempt to perpetuate. Sometimes I bottle up so much that I don't allow myself to feel angry, to feel betrayed, and to be decisive. Does every breakup consist of one person who holds it together and another that's a fucking mess? Is there ever such thing as a "mutual" breakup? Not that I haven't mourned the end of my relationships. I truly have. But it's one thing to grieve yet quite another to obsess over it and lose your shit. I've never been on the other side of the fence. I've felt rejection and heartache but I've seen some extreme behaviors from my exs. Such out of character behavior from my exs I've witnessed, endured, and struggled to cope with include desperate cries for attention including hospitalization, fist fights, stalking, and balls-out lying and manipulation to get me back. Is this normal? I can't figure out why, or what I do that brings about such a shift in behavior.

In the beginning, each came to me and expressed interest in me. Maybe I need to do the approaching next time around. There's a certain safety net automatically in place when you start dating someone that has approached you first. You usually don't have to second guess their motivation. The problem I run into is self-DOUBT. I start to doubt my feelings for continuing the relationship. I once doomed a relationship with my thinking that "it isn't going to last" It's a very cynical way to love. And ultimately assisted with my decision to end it.

I've always felt that I was a forgiving person. Too forgiving sometimes. When I'm in love with a guy, he could do just about anything and I would find a way to forgive him. Sometimes that's worked out fine and other times I've held onto resentment despite professing forgiveness. And I've also prematurely forgiven myself for things I've done. Sometimes we deserve to feel guilty. And if we feel no guilt or remorse then what lesson have we learned?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out the lessons of my most recent break up. I don't regret my decision to call it off. But in looking forward to the next relatinoship I'm trying to figure out a way to be less forgiving, more honest, and more decisive.

Thanks for reading, this is enough thinking for me for one late monday/early tuesday.

Peace, love and crisco.....

-D

No More

No more liar

No more cheater

No more emotionally weak

No more financially dependent

No more whiner

No more sponge

No more child

No more passenger

No more infection

No more manipulation

No more girlie

No more abandonment

You want to be an asshole when I've went out of my way to be kind and respectful of your feelings, then go ahead. These things always have a way of coming back to get you. It's karma baby!!!!



No more scrub

-D

Insight for one.

Chad was right.

I hope anyone who reads this will have the power to differentiate between a friend's good, and bad advice. And to expel from your heart, the people that show disregard for your feelings.

-D

Tired of getting blamed for other's bullshit

Yeah, that's right. I've been blamed. Fortunately it's for spreading truth so I'm not exactly in a guilty kind of mood. As most do or don't know I've only been single for a short time. While I was with my ex and a short time after, I shared some things with him in confidence about my friends (although I was HARDLY the only person they told). Those details later came to light.

I could sit here and blame my ex. But, for once, I don't. Can someone tell a friend things and expect that they won't share this with their partner? The person they tell everything to? It just seems very unfair that I get full blame for this situation. I can accept my share but damn! I'm sitting here drunk and just kinda pissed off. But I'm going to censor myself from providing too many details so as not to exacerbate an already tense situation. I am the first to admit my shortcomings and am starting to feel either the culmination of them or am being dumped on by malcontents.

No, it's not another song lyric, apparently they're lame.

-D

I'm a creep.

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here.

Wow, who hasn't felt like that at some point in their lives? No this isn't an exercise in self loathing. Am actually just in a self examination mode. Since I went through a break up in June I've been creepin a bit. A string of one night stands has led me back to the same point I was in 2002. Not really caring about my next boyfriend or looking for him. Only caring about the next experience. Now before you start getting all Judge Judy on me, hear me out. Sure I like sex, who doesn't right? But I've always had the sense to step back and realize when I have a potential boyfriend or something more than sex. In one of my encounters this summer I did feel something a bit different than normal but never had the chance to explore it further. Due to my own dumb fault I bailed and didn't call him for a while only to now run into him constantly. Yes I am kicking myself in the ass pretty much daily for making the mistake. And I've tried to regain his attention but am now being more cautious than I ever normally would. Ok this sounds conceited but I've always hooked up and dated guys that have approached me. I've never really pursued someone with vigor. He who hesitates is lost right? Yup. I must be slow on the uptake because I'm just now , at 32, discovering that I'll never get what I want if I don't go after it. In love, in career, etc. omg I have so many cliches running through my head. Carpe Diem, Get busy living or get busy dying, He who hesitates is lost, early bird gets the worm. Etc . I need to go to bed and shut my brain off for a while.