And I Know Him, But Not Really

I received a random add request on myspace a few weeks ago. The first thing I noticed when I hit the link was "Hot House Exclusive" lettering plastered all over the background. So I figured, ugh, another spam porn ad. But once I opened the pics I realized it was a local guy that I'd chatted with online but never had the nerve to say hello in person. So bad was my shyness that he'd kinda tease me about it after we'd see one another at various places around our midwestern city.


Turns out he got into doing porn after getting "discovered" at IML earlier this year. I suppose it would be wrong to mention his real name. He's now known as Ethan Wolfe, Hot House Exclusive. I shoulda jumped on him or let him pounce on me when I thought there was a chance. LOL..... You can check out his blog here... http://www.ethanwolfexxx.com/

Love ya like a herpe.

Alright, well I woke up on monday morning and discovered I had the HUGEST! cold sore known to man on my bottom lip. I've been battling this damn thing all week hoping it would be gone by the time the weekend rolled around. Well no such luck. But I have been unfortunate enough to be blessed with a second one on my upper lip just above it. Apparently it's like a Bob Ross painting, it needed a happy little friend. So I'm not in the best of moods. When you can feel your own heart beating in your lips it tends to dampen your spirits. I haven't even kissed anyone in months. FUCK!!

Now, for a total change of topic. ( I mean it)

I've read my ex's blog recently and found a turn toward a lighter mood. I'm glad I haven't been the only one has been remembering good times. I just find it odd how we (everyone) become so mean and vindicitive toward people we once loved so much. No, I'm not talking about him, ok I am, but I'm also talking about me. I was sitting at work on Monday nursing my herpe, and sorta working (or whatever), when memories of happy times with him just popped into my head. It was all triggered because my coworkers and I had ordered Chinese food. I picked up my fortune cookie and without thinking I said aloud, "here's your fortune." This was something my ex always used to say when we had Chinese every Sunday. When he'd crack the cookie it wouldn't be his own fortune, it would be mine. Just a cute tidbit that I remembered. Which of course set off a chain reaction of other sweet quirks I started remembering. Like the way he would never dry off his lower back out of the shower. One time I came up behind him, and in a voice sweet enough to make bitter shitheads wanna vomit I said, "wet-back." Not even realizing what I was saying to my Mexican-Irish boyfriend, until he turned around with a hurt look on his face. LOL! oops. And I remember the funny inside jokes we always had. And how we used to call each other baby. Yeah, it made most people around us sick but we didn't care.

I remember more moments like these because it helps me get over being angry at him for stuff that really doesn't matter any more. Anger at this point is a useless emotion and only serves to poison myself.

We no longer speak. It sucks sometimes, but I understand why it's necessary for both of us.

Break-ups are a bitch,

-D

And the answer is.....

Thought I'd give you all a follow up note from my grooming dilemma.

I've decided to follow Brian's sound advice by keeping the hair on my head, short, of course. And will continue to change my facial hair. Right now I have a small beard started. I call it small because it's partial growth a la George Michael or Don Johnson from the 80's. Not the look I'm going for but what can ya do until it's full grown? Maybe I'll grow it out to insane lengths like ZZ top or Grizzly Adams. Unfortunately my facial hair grows so straight that I would probably look like I'd attached a horses tail to my face.

I guess the beard suits my mood lately. Just kinda feeling like staying undercover still. Of course I'll be out at the bars from time to time. I'm not that antisocial. But I really don't feel like hooking up or dating, or putting up with anyone's bullshit. I have a full plate of my own, i really can't stomach anyone else's right now.

I have a volleyball league starting today. Hopefully I won't sprain my ankle like I did the first night of my last league. And hopefully I'll have the strength to endure my breeder teammates that kinda give me the creeps.

I'm looking forward to going out this weekend with DietPopStar. If she isn't thrown in jail by then. If you don't already, you MUST subscribe to her blog. You will laugh and laugh and laugh......

I'll update with some pictures from my new cameraphone when I feel like it!

Happy Cinco de Mayo bitches!

-D

Lesson 3: Reclaiming your masculinity.

Since we're covering the topic of hair (see previous blog here), I had to type up another lesson on reclaiming masculinity. And I think it will be another photo blog.

This lesson covers the topic of BODY hair. Ok boys I'll just say this once, STOP MOWING THE LAWN!. Ok maybe I'll say it again a little later. But I'm gonna ramble on about it for a bit first.

I had to do a bit of research (yes, I'm that bored) about what started this trend of body hair removal, because, let's face it, body hair removal is an often unpleasant and painful experience (as I'm sure most women will attest) So why did we start doing it? According to The Advocate it started in the 80's and 90's as a way to defy societal perception of gay men's health during the AIDS pandemic. Along with body hair removal was working out and tanning. Those are a separate lessons completely that I'll cover at another time.

Ok, so if you were built, tan, and hairless, you were healthy. We all know that's not true. I can sort of understand the working out and even tanning as far as a "healthy" appearance. But why does this include hair removal? This could have something to do with body builders such as the governor of California. All body builders shave pretty much everything and have even long before the 80's. Hair covers muscle definition. If you're hairless you can see the definition and striation of muscle. OK, but I still don't understand how this translated to guys that had never set foot in a gym. Was it because porn stars were hairless? Most likely. Or maybe it was Calvin Klein's fault. I don't know.

Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter how the trend started but it's 20 years later and I HOPE we're finally starting to reverse this trend. Men are hairy, it's natural. Shoot, even women are hairy. Now I'm not one of those guys that just gets off on hair. It is possible to have too much of a good thing. But I've seen relatively hairless guys remove EVERYTHING. Yes I do mean everything. From my hairy friend Tomek who went to the extreme of having his entire body hair except down there and around back removed by laser. (and you thought shaving burned) to my ex who was part Hispanic and naturally smooth. He would clip his entire body down to a stubble and would then use Nair on the nether regions. He claimed it was to remove body odor which I will address again in another lesson as well.

I know I've rambled on quite enough about this now. So I think it's time to get to those pictures. This time they are not me. (thank god) I looked for a comparison of one guy with and without chest hair and unfortunately couldn't find good pics of just one. So we're have to compare two guys. Which one appears more masculine? This one:





or this one:



To me it's clear but maybe not to everyone. I guess to me nothing says masculinity like a guy with a hairy chest. Agree, disagree? Eh, whatever.

The important thing to remember is keep the manscaping to a minimum. If you have hair that looks good show it off or at least don't be afraid to keep it. Because a lot of people like it :-) Some guys, even if they're wrong (me), equate body hair with masculinity. And if you're still not convinced then do it because straight guys are now trimming and shaving like there's no tomorrow.

You wouldn't want to be a straight guy, would you? I didn't think so,

As I promised, I'll say it again....

STOP MOWING THE LAWN!

-D

A moment of introspection.

Anyway uh, my ex has written his own diatribe about "no more" which is a step forward for him. Despite once again writing in a derivative fashion. (Be original!) I'm glad he's pulling himself together and moving on. What we had going was not healthy for either one of us. He's made it his mission to forget me and apparently wants me to do the same. But I'm not exactly in a forgetful kind of space. I think forgetting the people you date and the things that happen in your relationships will make you repeat yourself over and over. If we don't pay attention to our own history are we bound to repeat it? Absolutely.

I've noticed a similar pattern in the men I've dated seriously. In my own way I loved all three but there was definitely a cycle of intensity that each relationship went through and a time came when things were winding down and sometimes crashing down. I, of course, have been the one each time to call things out and say , "you know what? this isn't working!" Each time I acted in reaction to them. Whether it was because of constant bickering and fighting, or a lack of involvement on their part..... Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel, I'm just as much to blame for what brought about the endings as they were. But the breaking up part always seems to be initiated by me while they live in denial.

I've had 3 somewhat messy breakups and each of the guys has expressed different forms of love and hatred for me at the same time. Am I the only person who's in this type of pattern? And how in the fuck do I break out of it?!!!

I have a need for control. In my relationships I've always felt I had an emotional control over the guys to some degree. Maybe that makes me cold and distant perhaps. But I'm all about self preservation. No matter what happens I will be in control of my own emotions. But there's a backlash to this suffocating emotional control I attempt to perpetuate. Sometimes I bottle up so much that I don't allow myself to feel angry, to feel betrayed, and to be decisive. Does every breakup consist of one person who holds it together and another that's a fucking mess? Is there ever such thing as a "mutual" breakup? Not that I haven't mourned the end of my relationships. I truly have. But it's one thing to grieve yet quite another to obsess over it and lose your shit. I've never been on the other side of the fence. I've felt rejection and heartache but I've seen some extreme behaviors from my exs. Such out of character behavior from my exs I've witnessed, endured, and struggled to cope with include desperate cries for attention including hospitalization, fist fights, stalking, and balls-out lying and manipulation to get me back. Is this normal? I can't figure out why, or what I do that brings about such a shift in behavior.

In the beginning, each came to me and expressed interest in me. Maybe I need to do the approaching next time around. There's a certain safety net automatically in place when you start dating someone that has approached you first. You usually don't have to second guess their motivation. The problem I run into is self-DOUBT. I start to doubt my feelings for continuing the relationship. I once doomed a relationship with my thinking that "it isn't going to last" It's a very cynical way to love. And ultimately assisted with my decision to end it.

I've always felt that I was a forgiving person. Too forgiving sometimes. When I'm in love with a guy, he could do just about anything and I would find a way to forgive him. Sometimes that's worked out fine and other times I've held onto resentment despite professing forgiveness. And I've also prematurely forgiven myself for things I've done. Sometimes we deserve to feel guilty. And if we feel no guilt or remorse then what lesson have we learned?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out the lessons of my most recent break up. I don't regret my decision to call it off. But in looking forward to the next relatinoship I'm trying to figure out a way to be less forgiving, more honest, and more decisive.

Thanks for reading, this is enough thinking for me for one late monday/early tuesday.

Peace, love and crisco.....

-D

Finally , it's happenin to me right, in front of my face....

No I'm not talking about my love/sex life. Finally I'm writing another blog. I know you missed me. Ok, so you didn't, witness my sincere apathy.

I don't really have a great deal to comment on. Same shit different day. My 2 year old niece is saying my name now, that was good news. I tied one on Saturday night and spent all day Sunday sensitive to light and sound. I had some Harris pizza to dull the pain in my head and vegged out all day, watching Desperate Housewives Season 1. I've discovered I'm a TV on DVD type of person. I can't commit to watching a show each week but I will rent or buy an entire season of a show that I like. This is the first time I've seen DH, (last person on the planet apparently) If God or Satan and whoever could roll John the Gardener and Mike the plumber ,with a past, into one man I'd lock him in a cage and keep him forever. That's me I don't care if they're older, younger, hairy, smooth, white, black, whatever, just bring it on. :-) I swear this isn't a rant about needing or wanting to get laid. Just more incessant rambling. I need to vary my routine. Eventually I'll run out of TV shows and be forced to go work out to cure the sheer boredom I will almost surely experience.



And I'm done.

-D

I'm a creep.

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here.

Wow, who hasn't felt like that at some point in their lives? No this isn't an exercise in self loathing. Am actually just in a self examination mode. Since I went through a break up in June I've been creepin a bit. A string of one night stands has led me back to the same point I was in 2002. Not really caring about my next boyfriend or looking for him. Only caring about the next experience. Now before you start getting all Judge Judy on me, hear me out. Sure I like sex, who doesn't right? But I've always had the sense to step back and realize when I have a potential boyfriend or something more than sex. In one of my encounters this summer I did feel something a bit different than normal but never had the chance to explore it further. Due to my own dumb fault I bailed and didn't call him for a while only to now run into him constantly. Yes I am kicking myself in the ass pretty much daily for making the mistake. And I've tried to regain his attention but am now being more cautious than I ever normally would. Ok this sounds conceited but I've always hooked up and dated guys that have approached me. I've never really pursued someone with vigor. He who hesitates is lost right? Yup. I must be slow on the uptake because I'm just now , at 32, discovering that I'll never get what I want if I don't go after it. In love, in career, etc. omg I have so many cliches running through my head. Carpe Diem, Get busy living or get busy dying, He who hesitates is lost, early bird gets the worm. Etc . I need to go to bed and shut my brain off for a while.