What does it all mean, really?

On most gay sites(chat rooms,IM's,etc )there's a lot of talk about who is a top, who's a bottom, and who's versatile. I consider myself versatile because I like it all. LOL! For some reason there are people out there that say versatile guys are just "glorified" bottoms. I'm not quite sure why there's a connotation about the versatile label. I'll let guys call me whatever they wanna call me. Bottom/Top, Top/Vers, Vers/Bottom, Bottom. I just don't understand the need to categorize every detail of our sexual proclivities. I mean, isn't it more fun to find out on your own with a guy you think is hot? Rather than just posting every single thing you enjoy. When I run across these profiles it's a kind of a turn off. I want to hook up with someone that's open to the experience and will go with me wherever our cocks lead us. Does this make me old fashioned or on the fence? I'm not bi for christ's sake.

Give it a yank for me,

-D

Actually, I called you an ASSHOLE!......

Hey all, I know I never write anything any more. But thought I should provide an update of sorts. Bear with me, I am not a good storyteller. I tend to leave out important facts that connect the beginning with the end. Anyway....

Saturday night I had my 15 year high school reunion. I was dreading going because, as with most reunions, it's time to show off your acheivements, children, etc, or lack thereof. But I did go. I showed up an hour late. Which gave me about an hour before the band and drowned out most long covnersations. A good time was had by all. I actually saw people I'd wanted to see at my 10 year, but for some reason they hadn't shown back then. I was very happy to leave early and meet up with friends to hit the bars.

So I picked Natalie up and we stopped off at home for a drink. Then we ran off to the bars. Fast forward to about 20 minutes before closing, I'm standing with my back turned talking with friends and all of the sudden I'm startled by a deep voice yelling "MOVE!!" Not "excuse me", not a tap on the shoulder, not even that annoying push-through you'd see in crowded bars, (it wasn't) . Just "MOVE!" So I turned and saw some dude standing right over my shoulder, I get out of his way, and as he passed I called him an asshole, intentionally loud enough that he could hear. So he walks a few more steps to the end of the bar turns back at us and yells FUCK YOU!!. I shook my head in disgust, assumed he was a drunk fuck, and figured that was the end of it. So the bar closes and I'm outside talking to Jason. The dude comes up and Jason jokingly says to him something about "doesn't this dude look straight?" (referring to me).

He says "no, you're the guy that called me a prick"

"Actually I called you an asshole" I said.

Dude starts to get all puffed up as hetero boys tend to do. You know the typical dialogue; "you're a pussy, I'll kick your ass, etc" I said "I don't even know you, why're you messing with me?" I don't remember what he said after that as Jason told his friend to leave me alone, that I was "cool" (whatever that means). I was glad for that, considering I was out with about 8 people but there were none standing there. I kept my trap shut, but once Jason walked me aside, I kinda let him have it since the dude was his friend. I was just drunk enough to be stupid. I said if this is your friend "don't bring him back", basically I went on a tirade about how the dude was straight (so is Jason) and didn't belong in a gay bar unless he was looking for guys.

In hindsight, I don't give a shit who goes to the bar as long as they're not trying to start shit with me, my friends, or anyone else out to have a good time without being hassled. And for some reason the dude was out to hassle someone. If I wanted to put up with that bullshit I'd go to The District or Carriage Haus. In the 10 years I've been out, the only time I've seen fights at gay bars is between former lovers. I think, if you're a straight guy and you're comfortable enough in your masculinity/sexuality to go to a gay bar, then by all means, GO. But if you can't manage to check the macho tough guy bullshit at the door, then you have no business in a gay bar. Shit, I didn't even hit on him. LOL.. Fighting for no reason isn't a butch, masculine, hetero/gay or whatever trait, it's just plain stupid.

So we get to Augie's and there he was with Jason. I ignored the situation the best I could, but my ex cornered me about it and I went off at him too(sorry). He and Natalie confronted the guy and of course he said I started all of it. He probably would have kicked my ass, if I hadn't shut up. Considering I've only thrown one punch (in defense) and only been in like 2 fights in my entire life, experience was not in my favor. :-) But for the first time I kinda felt like I understood what Mike says about bullies. "You stand up for yourself and don't hold back, or you'll get walked on forever" I have no intentions of being a doormat.

Ok, enough of that, I didn't get my ass kicked, I'm not pissed at the dude and I likely won't remember shit the next time I see him. **old age is setting in**

Until next time, take care ya'll

-D



PS. I do want to add here that the guy never said a derrogatory word about gays, fags, homos, or whatever. But to me, thats what his actions were saying. I felt like he was acting that way, thinking no one would stand up to him because we're gay. Maybe that's my issue, maybe his attitude. I suppose we'll never know. I don't hate the straighties. (I promise)

Love ya like a herpe.

Alright, well I woke up on monday morning and discovered I had the HUGEST! cold sore known to man on my bottom lip. I've been battling this damn thing all week hoping it would be gone by the time the weekend rolled around. Well no such luck. But I have been unfortunate enough to be blessed with a second one on my upper lip just above it. Apparently it's like a Bob Ross painting, it needed a happy little friend. So I'm not in the best of moods. When you can feel your own heart beating in your lips it tends to dampen your spirits. I haven't even kissed anyone in months. FUCK!!

Now, for a total change of topic. ( I mean it)

I've read my ex's blog recently and found a turn toward a lighter mood. I'm glad I haven't been the only one has been remembering good times. I just find it odd how we (everyone) become so mean and vindicitive toward people we once loved so much. No, I'm not talking about him, ok I am, but I'm also talking about me. I was sitting at work on Monday nursing my herpe, and sorta working (or whatever), when memories of happy times with him just popped into my head. It was all triggered because my coworkers and I had ordered Chinese food. I picked up my fortune cookie and without thinking I said aloud, "here's your fortune." This was something my ex always used to say when we had Chinese every Sunday. When he'd crack the cookie it wouldn't be his own fortune, it would be mine. Just a cute tidbit that I remembered. Which of course set off a chain reaction of other sweet quirks I started remembering. Like the way he would never dry off his lower back out of the shower. One time I came up behind him, and in a voice sweet enough to make bitter shitheads wanna vomit I said, "wet-back." Not even realizing what I was saying to my Mexican-Irish boyfriend, until he turned around with a hurt look on his face. LOL! oops. And I remember the funny inside jokes we always had. And how we used to call each other baby. Yeah, it made most people around us sick but we didn't care.

I remember more moments like these because it helps me get over being angry at him for stuff that really doesn't matter any more. Anger at this point is a useless emotion and only serves to poison myself.

We no longer speak. It sucks sometimes, but I understand why it's necessary for both of us.

Break-ups are a bitch,

-D

Lesson 3: Reclaiming your masculinity.

Since we're covering the topic of hair (see previous blog here), I had to type up another lesson on reclaiming masculinity. And I think it will be another photo blog.

This lesson covers the topic of BODY hair. Ok boys I'll just say this once, STOP MOWING THE LAWN!. Ok maybe I'll say it again a little later. But I'm gonna ramble on about it for a bit first.

I had to do a bit of research (yes, I'm that bored) about what started this trend of body hair removal, because, let's face it, body hair removal is an often unpleasant and painful experience (as I'm sure most women will attest) So why did we start doing it? According to The Advocate it started in the 80's and 90's as a way to defy societal perception of gay men's health during the AIDS pandemic. Along with body hair removal was working out and tanning. Those are a separate lessons completely that I'll cover at another time.

Ok, so if you were built, tan, and hairless, you were healthy. We all know that's not true. I can sort of understand the working out and even tanning as far as a "healthy" appearance. But why does this include hair removal? This could have something to do with body builders such as the governor of California. All body builders shave pretty much everything and have even long before the 80's. Hair covers muscle definition. If you're hairless you can see the definition and striation of muscle. OK, but I still don't understand how this translated to guys that had never set foot in a gym. Was it because porn stars were hairless? Most likely. Or maybe it was Calvin Klein's fault. I don't know.

Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter how the trend started but it's 20 years later and I HOPE we're finally starting to reverse this trend. Men are hairy, it's natural. Shoot, even women are hairy. Now I'm not one of those guys that just gets off on hair. It is possible to have too much of a good thing. But I've seen relatively hairless guys remove EVERYTHING. Yes I do mean everything. From my hairy friend Tomek who went to the extreme of having his entire body hair except down there and around back removed by laser. (and you thought shaving burned) to my ex who was part Hispanic and naturally smooth. He would clip his entire body down to a stubble and would then use Nair on the nether regions. He claimed it was to remove body odor which I will address again in another lesson as well.

I know I've rambled on quite enough about this now. So I think it's time to get to those pictures. This time they are not me. (thank god) I looked for a comparison of one guy with and without chest hair and unfortunately couldn't find good pics of just one. So we're have to compare two guys. Which one appears more masculine? This one:





or this one:



To me it's clear but maybe not to everyone. I guess to me nothing says masculinity like a guy with a hairy chest. Agree, disagree? Eh, whatever.

The important thing to remember is keep the manscaping to a minimum. If you have hair that looks good show it off or at least don't be afraid to keep it. Because a lot of people like it :-) Some guys, even if they're wrong (me), equate body hair with masculinity. And if you're still not convinced then do it because straight guys are now trimming and shaving like there's no tomorrow.

You wouldn't want to be a straight guy, would you? I didn't think so,

As I promised, I'll say it again....

STOP MOWING THE LAWN!

-D

A moment of introspection.

Anyway uh, my ex has written his own diatribe about "no more" which is a step forward for him. Despite once again writing in a derivative fashion. (Be original!) I'm glad he's pulling himself together and moving on. What we had going was not healthy for either one of us. He's made it his mission to forget me and apparently wants me to do the same. But I'm not exactly in a forgetful kind of space. I think forgetting the people you date and the things that happen in your relationships will make you repeat yourself over and over. If we don't pay attention to our own history are we bound to repeat it? Absolutely.

I've noticed a similar pattern in the men I've dated seriously. In my own way I loved all three but there was definitely a cycle of intensity that each relationship went through and a time came when things were winding down and sometimes crashing down. I, of course, have been the one each time to call things out and say , "you know what? this isn't working!" Each time I acted in reaction to them. Whether it was because of constant bickering and fighting, or a lack of involvement on their part..... Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel, I'm just as much to blame for what brought about the endings as they were. But the breaking up part always seems to be initiated by me while they live in denial.

I've had 3 somewhat messy breakups and each of the guys has expressed different forms of love and hatred for me at the same time. Am I the only person who's in this type of pattern? And how in the fuck do I break out of it?!!!

I have a need for control. In my relationships I've always felt I had an emotional control over the guys to some degree. Maybe that makes me cold and distant perhaps. But I'm all about self preservation. No matter what happens I will be in control of my own emotions. But there's a backlash to this suffocating emotional control I attempt to perpetuate. Sometimes I bottle up so much that I don't allow myself to feel angry, to feel betrayed, and to be decisive. Does every breakup consist of one person who holds it together and another that's a fucking mess? Is there ever such thing as a "mutual" breakup? Not that I haven't mourned the end of my relationships. I truly have. But it's one thing to grieve yet quite another to obsess over it and lose your shit. I've never been on the other side of the fence. I've felt rejection and heartache but I've seen some extreme behaviors from my exs. Such out of character behavior from my exs I've witnessed, endured, and struggled to cope with include desperate cries for attention including hospitalization, fist fights, stalking, and balls-out lying and manipulation to get me back. Is this normal? I can't figure out why, or what I do that brings about such a shift in behavior.

In the beginning, each came to me and expressed interest in me. Maybe I need to do the approaching next time around. There's a certain safety net automatically in place when you start dating someone that has approached you first. You usually don't have to second guess their motivation. The problem I run into is self-DOUBT. I start to doubt my feelings for continuing the relationship. I once doomed a relationship with my thinking that "it isn't going to last" It's a very cynical way to love. And ultimately assisted with my decision to end it.

I've always felt that I was a forgiving person. Too forgiving sometimes. When I'm in love with a guy, he could do just about anything and I would find a way to forgive him. Sometimes that's worked out fine and other times I've held onto resentment despite professing forgiveness. And I've also prematurely forgiven myself for things I've done. Sometimes we deserve to feel guilty. And if we feel no guilt or remorse then what lesson have we learned?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out the lessons of my most recent break up. I don't regret my decision to call it off. But in looking forward to the next relatinoship I'm trying to figure out a way to be less forgiving, more honest, and more decisive.

Thanks for reading, this is enough thinking for me for one late monday/early tuesday.

Peace, love and crisco.....

-D

No More

No more liar

No more cheater

No more emotionally weak

No more financially dependent

No more whiner

No more sponge

No more child

No more passenger

No more infection

No more manipulation

No more girlie

No more abandonment

You want to be an asshole when I've went out of my way to be kind and respectful of your feelings, then go ahead. These things always have a way of coming back to get you. It's karma baby!!!!



No more scrub

-D

Finally , it's happenin to me right, in front of my face....

No I'm not talking about my love/sex life. Finally I'm writing another blog. I know you missed me. Ok, so you didn't, witness my sincere apathy.

I don't really have a great deal to comment on. Same shit different day. My 2 year old niece is saying my name now, that was good news. I tied one on Saturday night and spent all day Sunday sensitive to light and sound. I had some Harris pizza to dull the pain in my head and vegged out all day, watching Desperate Housewives Season 1. I've discovered I'm a TV on DVD type of person. I can't commit to watching a show each week but I will rent or buy an entire season of a show that I like. This is the first time I've seen DH, (last person on the planet apparently) If God or Satan and whoever could roll John the Gardener and Mike the plumber ,with a past, into one man I'd lock him in a cage and keep him forever. That's me I don't care if they're older, younger, hairy, smooth, white, black, whatever, just bring it on. :-) I swear this isn't a rant about needing or wanting to get laid. Just more incessant rambling. I need to vary my routine. Eventually I'll run out of TV shows and be forced to go work out to cure the sheer boredom I will almost surely experience.



And I'm done.

-D

Tired of getting blamed for other's bullshit

Yeah, that's right. I've been blamed. Fortunately it's for spreading truth so I'm not exactly in a guilty kind of mood. As most do or don't know I've only been single for a short time. While I was with my ex and a short time after, I shared some things with him in confidence about my friends (although I was HARDLY the only person they told). Those details later came to light.

I could sit here and blame my ex. But, for once, I don't. Can someone tell a friend things and expect that they won't share this with their partner? The person they tell everything to? It just seems very unfair that I get full blame for this situation. I can accept my share but damn! I'm sitting here drunk and just kinda pissed off. But I'm going to censor myself from providing too many details so as not to exacerbate an already tense situation. I am the first to admit my shortcomings and am starting to feel either the culmination of them or am being dumped on by malcontents.

No, it's not another song lyric, apparently they're lame.

-D

WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY THAT I AM LIBERAL

This isn't my writing just thought it was cool.

WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY THAT I AM LIBERAL



I would spend my last thirty bucks on a painting in a thrift store.
I love the smell of brioche.
I buy my bath soap from lesbians, yes it is made from oatmeal.
I have laughed in the kitchens of expensive restaurants
With the Mexicans who help to prepare 150. dollar meals
Wash the dishes afterwards,
And know we are having the better evening.
At the sight of two chubby, bearded bears –huge tattooed guys
Drinking beer in combat boots
Cuddling during gay pride
As the sun sets over San Francisco, my heart does grow warm.
And later, when wind blows their kilts up, revealing massive furry butts
Matching Prince Alberts, I can feel those elusive tears of joy.

A blessing where I live isn’t given by the priest who takes ten percent of my paycheck.
A blessing is when the cute guy behind the counter at The Grove
Throws a free shot of Espresso into my Doppio Con Panna.
A blessing is the landlord being cool about the rent-that’s the hand of God to me.
My soul is moved by break dancers, titty dancers, salsa dancers.
A miracle is when I come out of my apartment in the morning and the local graffiti artist Gives me a two story tall, Big E. Smalls, and recently did you see it? -Christopher Reeve
Flew out of his wheelchair, beat death as Superman!
Flying across the wall of Chinese dry cleaners those American biceps,
Fingertips stretching ever closer to the Golden Gate, and heaven.
Fashion stylists, Hairdressers, Drag queens, are the closest I get to secret societies
When they gather is circle, everyone waits reverentially
We all agree we do not know what they know
Powerful as Alan Greenspan, Heklina wants to tell me this:

God loves me when I’m helping out in the nursing home!
God loves me when I’m fucking a beautiful man named Charlie in the bathroom of the Eagle!
God wants me to know there’s a sale at Macy’s Men in Union Square, pink and green are back.

You are wrong when you say I do not love our troops,
I support our troops-I salute our troops: I bow down to our troops!
Our troops of motel housekeepers, immigrant farm workers, swish decorators,
Grumpy diva-ish poets, dreamy, idealistic sex-crazed college kids, small town hairdressers,
Big city gurus who talk like God. Legions of promiscuous off-Broadway actors,
Ignored seniors ready to sound-off, blinged out hip-hoppers with P. Diddy dreams.
I support our troops of tired, frustrated single mothers.
I wonder if they have everything they need to fight the war.
I worry the battle is giving them a trauma disorder.
I think we need to send them a care package.

George Washington was thinking of me kissing a boy on ecstasy at 3 o’clock in the morning When he fought the British.
He’d want me to feel that young mans hard cock through his jeans,
Put my tongue in his mouth
In a dark corner of The End Up.
That Jefferson wants me have the best organic produce is self-evident;
Every Sunday his folk band The Tanglers rocks out the Farmers Market
At the Ferry building.
The melodies of his guitar tickle the heirloom tomatoes,
Float over the Bay Bridge all the way over to Oakland.

When I say that I am a liberal let me be clear what I mean;
The woman who has done the most for me in life is a bisexual humanities teacher,
Yes at an Ivy League school, yes she also happens to be Jewish and does this make it better?
-A psychologist, you might even say a feminist.
She talked me down from the top of the Sears building when at 24
A man I loved told me I did not look at all like his ideal boyfriend.
Three years later I cradled her head in my lap as she cried from the tomoxophen and the Radiation when she did not believe she would beat the breast cancer-but did.
This 63-year-old woman with a Ph.D and one breast is a rock star to me.
When she calls me to tell me in a rush of excitement that she finally learned
How to make the perfect foam for her cappuccino,
And why don’t I come over and smoke a joint to celebrate. Well.
I almost write her name in on Election Day.
That is what I mean when I say that I’m a liberal.



Troy Ygnacio Soriano
Vermont Studio Center
Johnson, Vermont
November 9, 2004

Lesson 2: Reclaiming your Masculinity

Drop the she-speak. Ok, yeah I know we don't all do this but a lot do. I have friends that answer the phone "hey girl" no matter who's calling. Ok so yeah I say it to one of my friends for kicks to make fun of it. If your friend is in a foul mood, don't ask another friend, "what's her problem?" Or if your friend takes a long time to get ready. Don't say "she's still trying to pull herself together" Stop with the pronoun reversal, it confuses even those in the know sometimes. The real lesson here is, you and your gay male friends are not sisters, aunts, mothers, girlfriends or any other family member for that matter. We were born male and given male names and deserve the correct pronouns. USE THEM!

PS, You will also never be a strong black woman! ( thx Gill)

-D

It's swell with two people.

Ok, so I haven't ranted yet how tough it is being single and gay in this shit town. For once in my life getting laid isn't a problem but I'm over it already. That didn't take long. I've been single since June and have probably turned down or short changed a few guys that expressed interest almost instantly after my break up because I wasn't wanting to be tied down again so soon. So that period ( I said period) didn't last long. So now I'm in that lonely phase that always happens after a break up. I hang with friends as much as I can but it's in the QC and I'm pretty much broke barely paying the bills that area always piling up. Does this sound like a country song yet? No my dog isn't dead and I have no words of inspiration or whatever. So today I was chatting and agreed to meet this guy at Starbucks. He was sort of a pushy type wanted to meet or me to call him. These types annoy the hell out of me, but I'm desperate enough to take a chance that I might actually like him. First impressions aren't everything. Apparently he was astounded that I could carry on a conversation beyond "how big is it?" So just had to meet me. Anywayz. I'll post a blog on how it goes.

I'm a creep.

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here.

Wow, who hasn't felt like that at some point in their lives? No this isn't an exercise in self loathing. Am actually just in a self examination mode. Since I went through a break up in June I've been creepin a bit. A string of one night stands has led me back to the same point I was in 2002. Not really caring about my next boyfriend or looking for him. Only caring about the next experience. Now before you start getting all Judge Judy on me, hear me out. Sure I like sex, who doesn't right? But I've always had the sense to step back and realize when I have a potential boyfriend or something more than sex. In one of my encounters this summer I did feel something a bit different than normal but never had the chance to explore it further. Due to my own dumb fault I bailed and didn't call him for a while only to now run into him constantly. Yes I am kicking myself in the ass pretty much daily for making the mistake. And I've tried to regain his attention but am now being more cautious than I ever normally would. Ok this sounds conceited but I've always hooked up and dated guys that have approached me. I've never really pursued someone with vigor. He who hesitates is lost right? Yup. I must be slow on the uptake because I'm just now , at 32, discovering that I'll never get what I want if I don't go after it. In love, in career, etc. omg I have so many cliches running through my head. Carpe Diem, Get busy living or get busy dying, He who hesitates is lost, early bird gets the worm. Etc . I need to go to bed and shut my brain off for a while.