Love ya like a herpe.

Alright, well I woke up on monday morning and discovered I had the HUGEST! cold sore known to man on my bottom lip. I've been battling this damn thing all week hoping it would be gone by the time the weekend rolled around. Well no such luck. But I have been unfortunate enough to be blessed with a second one on my upper lip just above it. Apparently it's like a Bob Ross painting, it needed a happy little friend. So I'm not in the best of moods. When you can feel your own heart beating in your lips it tends to dampen your spirits. I haven't even kissed anyone in months. FUCK!!

Now, for a total change of topic. ( I mean it)

I've read my ex's blog recently and found a turn toward a lighter mood. I'm glad I haven't been the only one has been remembering good times. I just find it odd how we (everyone) become so mean and vindicitive toward people we once loved so much. No, I'm not talking about him, ok I am, but I'm also talking about me. I was sitting at work on Monday nursing my herpe, and sorta working (or whatever), when memories of happy times with him just popped into my head. It was all triggered because my coworkers and I had ordered Chinese food. I picked up my fortune cookie and without thinking I said aloud, "here's your fortune." This was something my ex always used to say when we had Chinese every Sunday. When he'd crack the cookie it wouldn't be his own fortune, it would be mine. Just a cute tidbit that I remembered. Which of course set off a chain reaction of other sweet quirks I started remembering. Like the way he would never dry off his lower back out of the shower. One time I came up behind him, and in a voice sweet enough to make bitter shitheads wanna vomit I said, "wet-back." Not even realizing what I was saying to my Mexican-Irish boyfriend, until he turned around with a hurt look on his face. LOL! oops. And I remember the funny inside jokes we always had. And how we used to call each other baby. Yeah, it made most people around us sick but we didn't care.

I remember more moments like these because it helps me get over being angry at him for stuff that really doesn't matter any more. Anger at this point is a useless emotion and only serves to poison myself.

We no longer speak. It sucks sometimes, but I understand why it's necessary for both of us.

Break-ups are a bitch,

-D

A moment of introspection.

Anyway uh, my ex has written his own diatribe about "no more" which is a step forward for him. Despite once again writing in a derivative fashion. (Be original!) I'm glad he's pulling himself together and moving on. What we had going was not healthy for either one of us. He's made it his mission to forget me and apparently wants me to do the same. But I'm not exactly in a forgetful kind of space. I think forgetting the people you date and the things that happen in your relationships will make you repeat yourself over and over. If we don't pay attention to our own history are we bound to repeat it? Absolutely.

I've noticed a similar pattern in the men I've dated seriously. In my own way I loved all three but there was definitely a cycle of intensity that each relationship went through and a time came when things were winding down and sometimes crashing down. I, of course, have been the one each time to call things out and say , "you know what? this isn't working!" Each time I acted in reaction to them. Whether it was because of constant bickering and fighting, or a lack of involvement on their part..... Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel, I'm just as much to blame for what brought about the endings as they were. But the breaking up part always seems to be initiated by me while they live in denial.

I've had 3 somewhat messy breakups and each of the guys has expressed different forms of love and hatred for me at the same time. Am I the only person who's in this type of pattern? And how in the fuck do I break out of it?!!!

I have a need for control. In my relationships I've always felt I had an emotional control over the guys to some degree. Maybe that makes me cold and distant perhaps. But I'm all about self preservation. No matter what happens I will be in control of my own emotions. But there's a backlash to this suffocating emotional control I attempt to perpetuate. Sometimes I bottle up so much that I don't allow myself to feel angry, to feel betrayed, and to be decisive. Does every breakup consist of one person who holds it together and another that's a fucking mess? Is there ever such thing as a "mutual" breakup? Not that I haven't mourned the end of my relationships. I truly have. But it's one thing to grieve yet quite another to obsess over it and lose your shit. I've never been on the other side of the fence. I've felt rejection and heartache but I've seen some extreme behaviors from my exs. Such out of character behavior from my exs I've witnessed, endured, and struggled to cope with include desperate cries for attention including hospitalization, fist fights, stalking, and balls-out lying and manipulation to get me back. Is this normal? I can't figure out why, or what I do that brings about such a shift in behavior.

In the beginning, each came to me and expressed interest in me. Maybe I need to do the approaching next time around. There's a certain safety net automatically in place when you start dating someone that has approached you first. You usually don't have to second guess their motivation. The problem I run into is self-DOUBT. I start to doubt my feelings for continuing the relationship. I once doomed a relationship with my thinking that "it isn't going to last" It's a very cynical way to love. And ultimately assisted with my decision to end it.

I've always felt that I was a forgiving person. Too forgiving sometimes. When I'm in love with a guy, he could do just about anything and I would find a way to forgive him. Sometimes that's worked out fine and other times I've held onto resentment despite professing forgiveness. And I've also prematurely forgiven myself for things I've done. Sometimes we deserve to feel guilty. And if we feel no guilt or remorse then what lesson have we learned?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out the lessons of my most recent break up. I don't regret my decision to call it off. But in looking forward to the next relatinoship I'm trying to figure out a way to be less forgiving, more honest, and more decisive.

Thanks for reading, this is enough thinking for me for one late monday/early tuesday.

Peace, love and crisco.....

-D

No More

No more liar

No more cheater

No more emotionally weak

No more financially dependent

No more whiner

No more sponge

No more child

No more passenger

No more infection

No more manipulation

No more girlie

No more abandonment

You want to be an asshole when I've went out of my way to be kind and respectful of your feelings, then go ahead. These things always have a way of coming back to get you. It's karma baby!!!!



No more scrub

-D

Insight for one.

Chad was right.

I hope anyone who reads this will have the power to differentiate between a friend's good, and bad advice. And to expel from your heart, the people that show disregard for your feelings.

-D

Finally , it's happenin to me right, in front of my face....

No I'm not talking about my love/sex life. Finally I'm writing another blog. I know you missed me. Ok, so you didn't, witness my sincere apathy.

I don't really have a great deal to comment on. Same shit different day. My 2 year old niece is saying my name now, that was good news. I tied one on Saturday night and spent all day Sunday sensitive to light and sound. I had some Harris pizza to dull the pain in my head and vegged out all day, watching Desperate Housewives Season 1. I've discovered I'm a TV on DVD type of person. I can't commit to watching a show each week but I will rent or buy an entire season of a show that I like. This is the first time I've seen DH, (last person on the planet apparently) If God or Satan and whoever could roll John the Gardener and Mike the plumber ,with a past, into one man I'd lock him in a cage and keep him forever. That's me I don't care if they're older, younger, hairy, smooth, white, black, whatever, just bring it on. :-) I swear this isn't a rant about needing or wanting to get laid. Just more incessant rambling. I need to vary my routine. Eventually I'll run out of TV shows and be forced to go work out to cure the sheer boredom I will almost surely experience.



And I'm done.

-D

Tired of getting blamed for other's bullshit

Yeah, that's right. I've been blamed. Fortunately it's for spreading truth so I'm not exactly in a guilty kind of mood. As most do or don't know I've only been single for a short time. While I was with my ex and a short time after, I shared some things with him in confidence about my friends (although I was HARDLY the only person they told). Those details later came to light.

I could sit here and blame my ex. But, for once, I don't. Can someone tell a friend things and expect that they won't share this with their partner? The person they tell everything to? It just seems very unfair that I get full blame for this situation. I can accept my share but damn! I'm sitting here drunk and just kinda pissed off. But I'm going to censor myself from providing too many details so as not to exacerbate an already tense situation. I am the first to admit my shortcomings and am starting to feel either the culmination of them or am being dumped on by malcontents.

No, it's not another song lyric, apparently they're lame.

-D

It's swell with two people.

Ok, so I haven't ranted yet how tough it is being single and gay in this shit town. For once in my life getting laid isn't a problem but I'm over it already. That didn't take long. I've been single since June and have probably turned down or short changed a few guys that expressed interest almost instantly after my break up because I wasn't wanting to be tied down again so soon. So that period ( I said period) didn't last long. So now I'm in that lonely phase that always happens after a break up. I hang with friends as much as I can but it's in the QC and I'm pretty much broke barely paying the bills that area always piling up. Does this sound like a country song yet? No my dog isn't dead and I have no words of inspiration or whatever. So today I was chatting and agreed to meet this guy at Starbucks. He was sort of a pushy type wanted to meet or me to call him. These types annoy the hell out of me, but I'm desperate enough to take a chance that I might actually like him. First impressions aren't everything. Apparently he was astounded that I could carry on a conversation beyond "how big is it?" So just had to meet me. Anywayz. I'll post a blog on how it goes.

I'm a creep.

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here.

Wow, who hasn't felt like that at some point in their lives? No this isn't an exercise in self loathing. Am actually just in a self examination mode. Since I went through a break up in June I've been creepin a bit. A string of one night stands has led me back to the same point I was in 2002. Not really caring about my next boyfriend or looking for him. Only caring about the next experience. Now before you start getting all Judge Judy on me, hear me out. Sure I like sex, who doesn't right? But I've always had the sense to step back and realize when I have a potential boyfriend or something more than sex. In one of my encounters this summer I did feel something a bit different than normal but never had the chance to explore it further. Due to my own dumb fault I bailed and didn't call him for a while only to now run into him constantly. Yes I am kicking myself in the ass pretty much daily for making the mistake. And I've tried to regain his attention but am now being more cautious than I ever normally would. Ok this sounds conceited but I've always hooked up and dated guys that have approached me. I've never really pursued someone with vigor. He who hesitates is lost right? Yup. I must be slow on the uptake because I'm just now , at 32, discovering that I'll never get what I want if I don't go after it. In love, in career, etc. omg I have so many cliches running through my head. Carpe Diem, Get busy living or get busy dying, He who hesitates is lost, early bird gets the worm. Etc . I need to go to bed and shut my brain off for a while.