From the vault I've tracked down my coming out email. I have a few running bits of commentary just in case you didn't already know these things about me or the people I mention in this letter.
6/23/97
Dear Mom & Dad,
Well, I really don't know where to begin. I guess there's really no easy way to approach the subject. So I'll just say it. I am gay.
Hopefully it's something you've suspected for years. It would make it much easier for all of us if that's the case. And, yes, Chris is my boyfriend, in case you were wondering. We've been dating for the last six months, and I really love him. He's the first guy that has been decent to me and truly loves me back. I hadn't met him yet when I decided to move. If you remember right I wanted to do that way back in November. ***I should have moved way sooner I was 23 & too old to be living with them anyway***
I don't want you to think Chris has changed me or something because that's not the case at all. He's not my first boyfriend, *** he actually was the first real boyfriend***, just the first one I wanted to build a future with. *** we split in 2000, but remain friends*** We started out as a long distance type of thing, for two months actually. And I've been very surprised at how well we get along.
I'm sorry that I am telling you on the computer, but I don't think I could ever get enough courage to tell you face to face. Not that I'm ashamed of who I am. I've always kind of known in the back of my mind that I was gay. But I didn't want to be, because people make fun of me and call me names. You know that I've always been a follower. And I still am in a big way. I don't want to come out to the whole world, but coming out to you has to happen right now, while I still live close enough to you to help you understand that I'm the same person I've always been. The only difference is that there aren't any more secrets between us. For right now, I'd appreciate it if you keep this between us. The fewer people that know, for now , the better. Unless you're comfortable talking to Brad & Cory ***my brothers, who were 20 & 16 at the time*** about it. I know for a fact that Brad has suspected for years. I also think that it's funny (in a way) that Brad and Naomi's kids *** they split in 2000 later divorcing before having any children*** are going to have 3 uncles that are gay.
There are a handful of girls that know about me. Suzy knows. Jennifer Walton knows. Joel, Todd, and Troy have known for like three years. I trust all of these people *** I trusted Suzy & Jennifer but barely knew the others*** and they have all been very supportive, especially Suzy. They's why we're so close. Joel and Troy ***Naomi's gay twin brothers*** knew before I had actually come to terms with it myself. They found out through a membeer of a support group that I wrote to about four years ago. He blabbed to them. I told a couple of girls at WIU, cuz I had just been dumped by Scott. ***just a guy I had a massive crush on, but he was a bigger closet case than I was and had a girlfriend at the time*** Back then I was very secretive about it, and I would go through long periods of depression, even thoughts of suicide (which would never be a solution to any kind of problem). ***fyi, I never gave suicide a single serious thought just sometimes wondered what would be everyone's reaction to it*** I'm not quite the same any more. I'm still a private type of guy, but I no longer feel bad about it. Especially after my trip to Chicago. Truth is, Chris and I went to gay neighborhoods on the North side of Chicago. To me it was very liberating. So many businesses there are gay friendly and some are owned by gay people. Most of the people that live there are gay. And it's pretty much like any other neighborhood. It's not weird like I thought it would be. It was my idea to go to these places. Chris didn't even know where most of this stuff was. But I knew the addresses from Chicago gay press which I've been reading for years. *** I think I made that part up*** Funny thing is that all of these neighborhoods are right around Wrigley Field. Who would have thought that in the middle of all of these houses full of gay people would be one of the oldest macho family traditions this country has ever known. BASEBALL!!.
My whole life I've have wanted to live in a big ity. And I hope to move there some day. Part of the reason I wanted to move to a big city when I was a kid was because I knew I could be anonymous and that I could be openly gay there and not be shunned by everyone. But I've found that peoples attitudes have really changed toward gay people. And that people aren't afraid to tell the truth any more. In this day of AIDS, I don't see how we, as a society, can avoid or ignore the plight of gay people and this horrible, horrible disease. ***cue the violins, Chris & I watched too many Lifetime movies back then*** If you think that you are far removed from it, you're wrong. I have always been safe, and have had very few partners.
It's unfortunate that many people go their whole lives and never reveal the truth about themselves. I'm just here to say that I don't want to be one of those people. People like _____ ______ ***I omitted this man's name, but this was a local guy that was married with 2 teen kids when he came out to his wife and family and admitted an affair*** What he did was devastating to his family. But I can't be lumped into the same category as someone like him. The lies stop here. I guess I figured it's better to just do this now than 10 years down the road when I'm married and everything is more complicated and "scandalous". I can't see ever hurting someone in that way.
This acquaintance once told me that everyone knows a gay person. And I told him, not my parents. But I was wrong, you know me. And there are others that you know or that you know of, that are also gay. But unfortunately I can't reveal them to you, because they wish to keep it a secret. There are gays in all walks of life and every profession you can possibly imagine. People don't like to think about it. *** ugh I read this now and I can't even describe how preachy I sounded***
The next time you go out to dinner with all of your dancing pals chances are, your waiter is gay. Or the dealer at the casinos. Or the guy that helps you with your bank loans. The kid behind the front desk of the hotel where you're staying. And many many more. *** those were all guys I'd either dated or were new friends with at that time***
I see this as a big weight being lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to hide this from you any more. And I'm truly happy about everything for the first time in my life. I hope you don't think I'm being selfish. *** I totally was, but I believe it was well deserved after the misery I'd put myself through*** But it has taken my years to be this confident about myself. and I no longer feel lost like I did when I came back from WIU.
I know it might be weird for a while. I've already thought about that. After hiding it for this many years, it's not going to be easy. But it has to be done, so I can go on with my life and realize my full potential. *** I don't think I've realized that, or even know what that means now*** I know you will eventually have questions about it. After you get over the initial shock. I just want you to know that I will answer your questions the best I can. I hope you're not embarassed to ask questions. If I know the answer I will tell you.
I hope you realize what a big step this is for me. And part of the reason I didn't want to tell you face to face was because I wanted you to have time to think about what you wanted to say back to me. I didn't want to get upset or get into an argument. I think that would have been a disaster. Quite frankly, I'm a bit scared of your reaction. With Mom's history of being on the outs with her family from time to time, I didn't want that to happen to us. But I've kind of distanced myself from you in case that does happen. I want to be able to stand on my own.
This is only the beginning, please do not avoid this issue. ** this line feels kinda pompous now*** The more we talk about it, the closer we will remain. It's a fact of my life that is not going away. It won't change, I've been there, done that, and won't go back again.
Love,
-Dusty
****After rereading this I realized how bad I ramble on. I did my best cutting it down. I also realize how much crap I laid on my parents with this message ( there was more) . If it was a movie the title would be "Coming Out with a Vengence" I don't recall why I was so angry back then. It was as if I lumped my parents' views together with all of society. This wasn't the full message, I went into gay historical stuff as if they would have cared about it and into kinda gay political issues that again, they wouldn't have cared about.
Their reaction wasn't like that of PFLAG parents, and I sparred with them in emails for a few months but to this day they have and always will stand by me, no matter what. There's never been any question that they love me unconditionally. They had known for years but made it clear they really didn't want to talk about it. However a month after I sent this message my Dad co-signed for an apartment for me and my ex-boyfriend. Sure, I sometimes wish it was more in the open but have come to realize that I censor myself too often. Since I don't talk about it, they don't feel the need to bring it up either. I came out when I was 23, I'm now 33 and I can't say that I've ever referred to myself as gay around my family. Well, every once in a while I do around my brothers and once with my Aunt. But I do tell my parents when I start dating someone new. And I forewarn them when I plan to do a "meet the parents" dinner or gathering.
I've been out almost 10 years now and in many ways I'm still in the closet around my family. But in my own life, I'm more out than I ever thought I would be. I'm to that point now where people I meet already know and they push me to share more details about my life. They want to know everything, uncensored, and I love that. But that small town boy in me still hides sometimes. It's a constant internal struggle for an introvert like me. I hope it doesn't sound as if I blame my family for my own BS because I've been very lucky to have come out in a supportive environment. I guess my only beef here is that for some reason I can't push myself to be more open with my family and that I sometimes get the feeling that they are ok with not knowing me as well as my coworkers, bosses, and friends do.
Anyway, enough rambling for now,
-D
Posts
