Just What the Doctor Ordered

""Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

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If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.



Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind""




I can't claim responsibility for writing that, just came across it and thought I should share.

Adios Muchachos

-D

Coming Out with a Vengeance: All About Me (of course)

From the vault I've tracked down my coming out email. I have a few running bits of commentary just in case you didn't already know these things about me or the people I mention in this letter.

6/23/97

Dear Mom & Dad,

Well, I really don't know where to begin. I guess there's really no easy way to approach the subject. So I'll just say it. I am gay.


Hopefully it's something you've suspected for years. It would make it much easier for all of us if that's the case. And, yes, Chris is my boyfriend, in case you were wondering. We've been dating for the last six months, and I really love him. He's the first guy that has been decent to me and truly loves me back. I hadn't met him yet when I decided to move. If you remember right I wanted to do that way back in November. ***I should have moved way sooner I was 23 & too old to be living with them anyway***

I don't want you to think Chris has changed me or something because that's not the case at all. He's not my first boyfriend, *** he actually was the first real boyfriend***, just the first one I wanted to build a future with. *** we split in 2000, but remain friends*** We started out as a long distance type of thing, for two months actually. And I've been very surprised at how well we get along.

I'm sorry that I am telling you on the computer, but I don't think I could ever get enough courage to tell you face to face. Not that I'm ashamed of who I am. I've always kind of known in the back of my mind that I was gay. But I didn't want to be, because people make fun of me and call me names. You know that I've always been a follower. And I still am in a big way. I don't want to come out to the whole world, but coming out to you has to happen right now, while I still live close enough to you to help you understand that I'm the same person I've always been. The only difference is that there aren't any more secrets between us. For right now, I'd appreciate it if you keep this between us. The fewer people that know, for now , the better. Unless you're comfortable talking to Brad & Cory ***my brothers, who were 20 & 16 at the time*** about it. I know for a fact that Brad has suspected for years. I also think that it's funny (in a way) that Brad and Naomi's kids *** they split in 2000 later divorcing before having any children*** are going to have 3 uncles that are gay.

There are a handful of girls that know about me. Suzy knows. Jennifer Walton knows. Joel, Todd, and Troy have known for like three years. I trust all of these people *** I trusted Suzy & Jennifer but barely knew the others*** and they have all been very supportive, especially Suzy. They's why we're so close. Joel and Troy ***Naomi's gay twin brothers*** knew before I had actually come to terms with it myself. They found out through a membeer of a support group that I wrote to about four years ago. He blabbed to them. I told a couple of girls at WIU, cuz I had just been dumped by Scott. ***just a guy I had a massive crush on, but he was a bigger closet case than I was and had a girlfriend at the time*** Back then I was very secretive about it, and I would go through long periods of depression, even thoughts of suicide (which would never be a solution to any kind of problem). ***fyi, I never gave suicide a single serious thought just sometimes wondered what would be everyone's reaction to it*** I'm not quite the same any more. I'm still a private type of guy, but I no longer feel bad about it. Especially after my trip to Chicago. Truth is, Chris and I went to gay neighborhoods on the North side of Chicago. To me it was very liberating. So many businesses there are gay friendly and some are owned by gay people. Most of the people that live there are gay. And it's pretty much like any other neighborhood. It's not weird like I thought it would be. It was my idea to go to these places. Chris didn't even know where most of this stuff was. But I knew the addresses from Chicago gay press which I've been reading for years. *** I think I made that part up*** Funny thing is that all of these neighborhoods are right around Wrigley Field. Who would have thought that in the middle of all of these houses full of gay people would be one of the oldest macho family traditions this country has ever known. BASEBALL!!.

My whole life I've have wanted to live in a big ity. And I hope to move there some day. Part of the reason I wanted to move to a big city when I was a kid was because I knew I could be anonymous and that I could be openly gay there and not be shunned by everyone. But I've found that peoples attitudes have really changed toward gay people. And that people aren't afraid to tell the truth any more. In this day of AIDS, I don't see how we, as a society, can avoid or ignore the plight of gay people and this horrible, horrible disease. ***cue the violins, Chris & I watched too many Lifetime movies back then*** If you think that you are far removed from it, you're wrong. I have always been safe, and have had very few partners.

It's unfortunate that many people go their whole lives and never reveal the truth about themselves. I'm just here to say that I don't want to be one of those people. People like _____ ______ ***I omitted this man's name, but this was a local guy that was married with 2 teen kids when he came out to his wife and family and admitted an affair*** What he did was devastating to his family. But I can't be lumped into the same category as someone like him. The lies stop here. I guess I figured it's better to just do this now than 10 years down the road when I'm married and everything is more complicated and "scandalous". I can't see ever hurting someone in that way.

This acquaintance once told me that everyone knows a gay person. And I told him, not my parents. But I was wrong, you know me. And there are others that you know or that you know of, that are also gay. But unfortunately I can't reveal them to you, because they wish to keep it a secret. There are gays in all walks of life and every profession you can possibly imagine. People don't like to think about it. *** ugh I read this now and I can't even describe how preachy I sounded***

The next time you go out to dinner with all of your dancing pals chances are, your waiter is gay. Or the dealer at the casinos. Or the guy that helps you with your bank loans. The kid behind the front desk of the hotel where you're staying. And many many more. *** those were all guys I'd either dated or were new friends with at that time***

I see this as a big weight being lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to hide this from you any more. And I'm truly happy about everything for the first time in my life. I hope you don't think I'm being selfish. *** I totally was, but I believe it was well deserved after the misery I'd put myself through*** But it has taken my years to be this confident about myself. and I no longer feel lost like I did when I came back from WIU.

I know it might be weird for a while. I've already thought about that. After hiding it for this many years, it's not going to be easy. But it has to be done, so I can go on with my life and realize my full potential. *** I don't think I've realized that, or even know what that means now*** I know you will eventually have questions about it. After you get over the initial shock. I just want you to know that I will answer your questions the best I can. I hope you're not embarassed to ask questions. If I know the answer I will tell you.

I hope you realize what a big step this is for me. And part of the reason I didn't want to tell you face to face was because I wanted you to have time to think about what you wanted to say back to me. I didn't want to get upset or get into an argument. I think that would have been a disaster. Quite frankly, I'm a bit scared of your reaction. With Mom's history of being on the outs with her family from time to time, I didn't want that to happen to us. But I've kind of distanced myself from you in case that does happen. I want to be able to stand on my own.

This is only the beginning, please do not avoid this issue. ** this line feels kinda pompous now*** The more we talk about it, the closer we will remain. It's a fact of my life that is not going away. It won't change, I've been there, done that, and won't go back again.

Love,

-Dusty

****After rereading this I realized how bad I ramble on. I did my best cutting it down. I also realize how much crap I laid on my parents with this message ( there was more) . If it was a movie the title would be "Coming Out with a Vengence" I don't recall why I was so angry back then. It was as if I lumped my parents' views together with all of society. This wasn't the full message, I went into gay historical stuff as if they would have cared about it and into kinda gay political issues that again, they wouldn't have cared about.

Their reaction wasn't like that of PFLAG parents, and I sparred with them in emails for a few months but to this day they have and always will stand by me, no matter what. There's never been any question that they love me unconditionally. They had known for years but made it clear they really didn't want to talk about it. However a month after I sent this message my Dad co-signed for an apartment for me and my ex-boyfriend. Sure, I sometimes wish it was more in the open but have come to realize that I censor myself too often. Since I don't talk about it, they don't feel the need to bring it up either. I came out when I was 23, I'm now 33 and I can't say that I've ever referred to myself as gay around my family. Well, every once in a while I do around my brothers and once with my Aunt. But I do tell my parents when I start dating someone new. And I forewarn them when I plan to do a "meet the parents" dinner or gathering.

I've been out almost 10 years now and in many ways I'm still in the closet around my family. But in my own life, I'm more out than I ever thought I would be. I'm to that point now where people I meet already know and they push me to share more details about my life. They want to know everything, uncensored, and I love that. But that small town boy in me still hides sometimes. It's a constant internal struggle for an introvert like me. I hope it doesn't sound as if I blame my family for my own BS because I've been very lucky to have come out in a supportive environment. I guess my only beef here is that for some reason I can't push myself to be more open with my family and that I sometimes get the feeling that they are ok with not knowing me as well as my coworkers, bosses, and friends do.

Anyway, enough rambling for now,

-D

I know I hardly ever blog. Oh well, I would say I've been busy but I'm not a liar. Well not tonight anyway. Anywayz, here are some pictures from a crazy halloween night. I was a butt pirate. Hardly original and not that far out of character really. In fact, the small-ish bar I went to had like 4 other pirates. So yeah, I didn't win any best costume prizes. I started out the night at my brother Brad, gf Shaya, and their friend Courtney's Halloween bash at Bier Stube in Moline. Here are a few pics from that.



Shaya (left) and Courtney.



Shaya, Brad, & Courtney



Two bikers chicks (Pat & Vicky) and a drag queen. Wait, no, that's a real woman. But drag queens would have been jealous of this headwear



Courtney (back left) and a bunch of people I don't know.



Chubs McGee and Biker Babe Vicky. I think she had a woody for me. Er, I mean.....oh u know what I mean....

From here I had to take an early exit from their party because I wanted to meet up with my friends and hit the homo bars. :-) So I went home and they hadn't left yet.



My friend Brian, being a scrooge as usual. Apparently he was supposed to be a straight man or frat boy or something..... Ugh...zzz...zzzz....zzzz...zzzzz



Eric, aka glitterboy, or Starman on this particular night. Not sure his title or the name of his costume seemed to change all night.



Yeah I did.........fyi, that's not the real thing, duh!



Eric, Moi, Dave, & Ed (the fluffer, on his knees where he belongs)



Dave, making the best face ever. Yes folks, he works in the finance industry. Comforting, isn't it?



Fuzz, aka Aaron grrrr.... :-) oh and Brian too.... I guess....



Jeff and Brian



Andrea, she'd probably kill me for posting this. She didn't wear a costume but she's excused unlike Brian. Her costume last year kicked ass. Here's a few pix of her from last year:





She's so skinny. I hate her!!! j/k.....



Russy the Hussy..... nice teeth



An exhausted (aka. drunk) Fluffer. This Bitch won 200 fucking dollars!!!!!!!! (best costume)



Who's more drunk? Mike wore some kind of FUBU jumpsuit. I think he was supposed to be black (er, African American for those PC folks) but I thought he kinda looked like Fabrizio Moretti, drummer from "The Strokes" (shown below)



Don't you agree?

Anyway, that was my halloween night. I came home, peeled out of that ridiculous costume, and had a KILLER hangover when I woke up the next afternoon.

The End,

-D

Actually, I called you an ASSHOLE!......

Hey all, I know I never write anything any more. But thought I should provide an update of sorts. Bear with me, I am not a good storyteller. I tend to leave out important facts that connect the beginning with the end. Anyway....

Saturday night I had my 15 year high school reunion. I was dreading going because, as with most reunions, it's time to show off your acheivements, children, etc, or lack thereof. But I did go. I showed up an hour late. Which gave me about an hour before the band and drowned out most long covnersations. A good time was had by all. I actually saw people I'd wanted to see at my 10 year, but for some reason they hadn't shown back then. I was very happy to leave early and meet up with friends to hit the bars.

So I picked Natalie up and we stopped off at home for a drink. Then we ran off to the bars. Fast forward to about 20 minutes before closing, I'm standing with my back turned talking with friends and all of the sudden I'm startled by a deep voice yelling "MOVE!!" Not "excuse me", not a tap on the shoulder, not even that annoying push-through you'd see in crowded bars, (it wasn't) . Just "MOVE!" So I turned and saw some dude standing right over my shoulder, I get out of his way, and as he passed I called him an asshole, intentionally loud enough that he could hear. So he walks a few more steps to the end of the bar turns back at us and yells FUCK YOU!!. I shook my head in disgust, assumed he was a drunk fuck, and figured that was the end of it. So the bar closes and I'm outside talking to Jason. The dude comes up and Jason jokingly says to him something about "doesn't this dude look straight?" (referring to me).

He says "no, you're the guy that called me a prick"

"Actually I called you an asshole" I said.

Dude starts to get all puffed up as hetero boys tend to do. You know the typical dialogue; "you're a pussy, I'll kick your ass, etc" I said "I don't even know you, why're you messing with me?" I don't remember what he said after that as Jason told his friend to leave me alone, that I was "cool" (whatever that means). I was glad for that, considering I was out with about 8 people but there were none standing there. I kept my trap shut, but once Jason walked me aside, I kinda let him have it since the dude was his friend. I was just drunk enough to be stupid. I said if this is your friend "don't bring him back", basically I went on a tirade about how the dude was straight (so is Jason) and didn't belong in a gay bar unless he was looking for guys.

In hindsight, I don't give a shit who goes to the bar as long as they're not trying to start shit with me, my friends, or anyone else out to have a good time without being hassled. And for some reason the dude was out to hassle someone. If I wanted to put up with that bullshit I'd go to The District or Carriage Haus. In the 10 years I've been out, the only time I've seen fights at gay bars is between former lovers. I think, if you're a straight guy and you're comfortable enough in your masculinity/sexuality to go to a gay bar, then by all means, GO. But if you can't manage to check the macho tough guy bullshit at the door, then you have no business in a gay bar. Shit, I didn't even hit on him. LOL.. Fighting for no reason isn't a butch, masculine, hetero/gay or whatever trait, it's just plain stupid.

So we get to Augie's and there he was with Jason. I ignored the situation the best I could, but my ex cornered me about it and I went off at him too(sorry). He and Natalie confronted the guy and of course he said I started all of it. He probably would have kicked my ass, if I hadn't shut up. Considering I've only thrown one punch (in defense) and only been in like 2 fights in my entire life, experience was not in my favor. :-) But for the first time I kinda felt like I understood what Mike says about bullies. "You stand up for yourself and don't hold back, or you'll get walked on forever" I have no intentions of being a doormat.

Ok, enough of that, I didn't get my ass kicked, I'm not pissed at the dude and I likely won't remember shit the next time I see him. **old age is setting in**

Until next time, take care ya'll

-D



PS. I do want to add here that the guy never said a derrogatory word about gays, fags, homos, or whatever. But to me, thats what his actions were saying. I felt like he was acting that way, thinking no one would stand up to him because we're gay. Maybe that's my issue, maybe his attitude. I suppose we'll never know. I don't hate the straighties. (I promise)

The best way to annoy the neighbors........

That's right I'm annoying the neighbors.

I could think of other things that would probably annoy the neighbors more than what I'm doing Like blasting gay porn at 3am. But that's not what I do. oh who am I kidding, yes I do. Anyway.... the point of this blog is I've made a couple videos. Wait, not porn videos you pervs. I mean I've made a couple videos of me playing my guitar. Two reasons, first I was that bored and second I wanted to hear for myself if I'm improving. Which I'm happy to report I am. Now you may not think so from these videos but keep in mind they are dark and grainy, I wasn't attempting to play a full song, and I wasn't really warmed up.(excuses, pouring in) I was just dinking around like I usually do. Turn up the volume and:

Watch the FIRST VIDEO, just some bluesy solo/riffing.

If you haven't sworn off hearing another guitar in your life. then ......

Watch the SECOND VIDEO , I attempted some song "parts" First it's the intro to Enter Sandman by Metallica, followed by some of my own riffy power cords. Then I have the intro & up to the solo (sorta) of Crazy Dream by Los Lonely Boys.

Tell me what ya think. I'm not a pro obviously and I've never taken any lessons. All self taught playing by ear and tabs. I won't admit how long I've actually been playing because I should be able to play much better than I do..

Sorry, I couldn't get the youtube.com code to actually embed on this blog page. Why don't they make the blog page just like the main profile page? God damn myspace! I actually wrote and lost this blog like 5 times. I finally got smart and used Wordpad to save the text. If anyone knows how to embed a Youtube.com player/code thingy on the blog page, give me a heads up. I've been able to post them in people's pages and my profile page but the blog page is different. I've seen them in other user's blogs but I'm assuming there's more to it than just copying the code.

Thanks for watching/listening.

-D

Go out and buy the new Los Lonely Boys CD "Sacred". It came out today. It's not as good as the first but still better than most music I get a chance to hear.

Wrapped up like a douche......huh????.

See below, for one of my fan letters. I'm still puzzled what I did to the dude. Maybe I didn't approve his friend request. Seriously, am I supposed to approve every douchebag that sends me a friend request? I think I vaguely remember getting a message from him or viewing his profile. But I'm in his ignore bin now. I'm so crushed..

the devil wears prada

Date: Jul 17, 2006 10:53 PM
Subject: fuck u asshole ur going to my ignore bin
Body: fucking bitch whatever shallow asshole

I'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song......

Uh, I know it's a song lyric heading. Witness me, giving a shit whether you like it or not. Anyway... I haven't blogged in a coon's age. And no girls, that's not a racist reference as much as you would like it to be. So much time so little to cover...... huh??? Yeah not much to report, rant, or rave about on this end. I've been going out with co-workers the last couple Wednesdays and it's been a blast. Our office is so uptight and we've been working a lot of overtime so letting off some steam has been the number one goal.

Anyway, I did want to let ya'll know I sang karaoke tonight. I know, who hasn't, right? Well I haven't before tonight. The first one was with my friend Beth, and we sang of course, Beth by Kiss. All I knew was the chorus. :-) Then I sang Sugar We're goin down by Fall Out Boy. I probably sounded like shit because I'm soft spoken and that dude kinda wails. Anyway it was good time. I was out until 2 and have to be up at 7:30am. So that's about all I'm gonna write for now. I am feeling a creative urge though. So expect a flurry of blogs over the weekend. Hopefully.

Oh yeah! I also still haven't visited the Coffee Artist Cafe. I'm such a bad friend :-( Maybe I'll do lunch there on Friday if I don't trek to Iowa City.

Later hobos,

-D

Throw me that bag of doritos, dude!

So I had my little family/reunion country weekend and hmmm, yeah everyone had to proceed in telling me that I'd put on weight or that I was "big" boy! Bitches! Does it cushion the blow to refer to a grown man in his 30's as boy when you're telling him he's a fat ass? But it did get my mind working FINALLY. and I realized........

OMG, I'm like a stoner without the high but definitely the munchies and lethargy. FUCK! All I've done for about the last year is eat like every meal was my last and exercise like Chris Farley sans that eightball. Seriously I think someone is gonna need to order a crane to get my ass off the couch or away from my desk. So like any self respecting fag would do when they realize such a problem exists, I'm planning a course for self improvement. Doesn't the thought of that statement make ya wanna puke? Well it does me because it's such self-help bullshit. The constant affirmation and pep talks ya have to give yourself to stay motivated. UGH..

I went to dinner a few nights ago with my friend Eric. He's finally recovering from being crazy and the world is breathing a sigh of relief. We started talking about careers and goals, etc.... because that's what he always fucking talks about. This bitch has 3 degrees now! Granted they are all for 3 very different types of careers but at least he's set goals and achieved them. He talked about wanting to get into shape and we talked about my fat ass and I discovered that I must have been depressed because I haven't kicked myself in the ass and haven't even really gave a shit about anything or anyone for a long time. I dunno it sounds better than I was just a lazy ass with a bad diet of junk food and huge meals. My apathy has reached new highs? lows? Whatever , I don't even care! j/k I do care which means I must finally be ending my depression. So apparently depression for me means total apathy and binge eating. I'm totally like one of those girls in "Mean Girls" that eats her feelings and I didn't even know. I couldn't tell ya for sure what I was depressed about; life, love, money? All three, who knows. But I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel and I'm so jazzed that summer is here. I'm still forming a plan of action but I'll keep you informed how I'm progressing.

Ok, my 30 minutes of self realization is over. My next blog will be more entertaining or least better to look at. (that's right, I ended that sentence with a preposition) I'll tell ya'll about last weekend. Every last beautiful racist moment.

Yours truly,

-Fatty McFatty

PS. I'm not fishing for compliments, so shove them somewhere else.

It's all fake......but it's long.....

Hey everyone, I know it's been along time with no blog. I haven't had anything all too exciting to write about,not true, Ijust haven't taken time out of my busy schedule of doing nothing to write about what I've been doing.

I met a guy last Tuesday that I've hung out with a few times. :-)His name is Scott, he came here to meet me from Ottawa, not Canada, butIllinois. It'sa little over an hour drive eastof here. We hit it off. On Tuesday we had dinner and just chilled, talked, gotto know each other. I helped him spruce up his myspace page. He's a big JanetJackson freak, one of his 2-3 obviously gay traits.:-) Then on Friday I drove over to his place and we went hiking around Starved Rock State Park.I hadn't been to Starved Rock since I was a kid, but it was mostly how I remembered. I've put together a photodisplay below for your visual entertainment. (cuz I'm gay like that) I tried to be even gayer and make it a photo carousel, butthe myspace bitches won't let me or I'm not smart enough to embed a flashplayer in here. So here are the pics from my daytrip



This is Scott, the fearless guide,





The path we started on



The Rock, Starved that is, Not the wrestler "Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?!?!" ( God, I hate wrestling)



Illinois River with Lock & Dam, taken from Lover's Leap



About a 4 ft water fall near Wildcat Canyon



Another shot of Illinois River from the Wildcat Canyon observation deck.



Large waterfall in Wilcat Canyon



Probably one of the most breaktaking views you'll find in Illinois. We don't have many. Shot from the observation deck around Wildcat Canyon.

The story of why they call the place Starved Rock seemed to be a bit of a myth about Illinois Indians being chased by other tribes to the cliffs overlooking the Illinois River where they ended up starving to death. I'm not kidding, the signs even said they didn't know if the story was true, but they sure as hell sell it. So our running joke all day was that the place was totally fake. Unfortunately we had to cut the day short because he had to work that evening but not before we had a tasty lunch at Duffy's tavern in Utica which was also occupied with motorcycle enthusiasts. I'd call them bikers butone of them had a grandkid in tow and the others were even older. Besides, the scary creatures we once referred to as biker's, no longer exist. Maybe a longer day of hiking will be in store for us in the near future.



Here we areafter a day of hiking. Not pretty, but cozy.

Friday evening I came back to the QC and had a volleyball game. One of my teammates was drunk and annoyed the shit out of me. I guess that's what I get for playing volleyball with a bunch of straight people I don't know. We ended up losing 2 out of the 3 games we played. I don't really care so much about the loss, just don't like big ole sloppy trashy chicks that think that the band Ratt is the shit. (Are they even still a band?) Anyway, I worked 3 days last week, will work 3 days this week and 3 or possibly 2 days the following week. Gotta lovevacation andholidays.

I went clean shaven for Saturday night out with the "girls" It scared me to see the smooth skin so I'm quickly growing back something but not sure what yet. I partied pretty hard, even went to an after party where not one , but two of my ex's were in attendance. Don't worry, there was no hair pulling, cat clawing, or re-living past glory. We were all on our best behavior and thankfully kept our interaction at a minimum. There are parts of the night I don't really remember too well. After hours parties are generally a bad idea but I came out of it unscathed and everyone made it home safely.

This weekend I'm heading out of town to southern IL to visit my Grandparents and do the family/country thing. I'm sure I will probably blog multiple times per day ranting about this that, and the other.


Told ya this would be long,

-D

Love ya like a herpe.

Alright, well I woke up on monday morning and discovered I had the HUGEST! cold sore known to man on my bottom lip. I've been battling this damn thing all week hoping it would be gone by the time the weekend rolled around. Well no such luck. But I have been unfortunate enough to be blessed with a second one on my upper lip just above it. Apparently it's like a Bob Ross painting, it needed a happy little friend. So I'm not in the best of moods. When you can feel your own heart beating in your lips it tends to dampen your spirits. I haven't even kissed anyone in months. FUCK!!

Now, for a total change of topic. ( I mean it)

I've read my ex's blog recently and found a turn toward a lighter mood. I'm glad I haven't been the only one has been remembering good times. I just find it odd how we (everyone) become so mean and vindicitive toward people we once loved so much. No, I'm not talking about him, ok I am, but I'm also talking about me. I was sitting at work on Monday nursing my herpe, and sorta working (or whatever), when memories of happy times with him just popped into my head. It was all triggered because my coworkers and I had ordered Chinese food. I picked up my fortune cookie and without thinking I said aloud, "here's your fortune." This was something my ex always used to say when we had Chinese every Sunday. When he'd crack the cookie it wouldn't be his own fortune, it would be mine. Just a cute tidbit that I remembered. Which of course set off a chain reaction of other sweet quirks I started remembering. Like the way he would never dry off his lower back out of the shower. One time I came up behind him, and in a voice sweet enough to make bitter shitheads wanna vomit I said, "wet-back." Not even realizing what I was saying to my Mexican-Irish boyfriend, until he turned around with a hurt look on his face. LOL! oops. And I remember the funny inside jokes we always had. And how we used to call each other baby. Yeah, it made most people around us sick but we didn't care.

I remember more moments like these because it helps me get over being angry at him for stuff that really doesn't matter any more. Anger at this point is a useless emotion and only serves to poison myself.

We no longer speak. It sucks sometimes, but I understand why it's necessary for both of us.

Break-ups are a bitch,

-D

And the answer is.....

Thought I'd give you all a follow up note from my grooming dilemma.

I've decided to follow Brian's sound advice by keeping the hair on my head, short, of course. And will continue to change my facial hair. Right now I have a small beard started. I call it small because it's partial growth a la George Michael or Don Johnson from the 80's. Not the look I'm going for but what can ya do until it's full grown? Maybe I'll grow it out to insane lengths like ZZ top or Grizzly Adams. Unfortunately my facial hair grows so straight that I would probably look like I'd attached a horses tail to my face.

I guess the beard suits my mood lately. Just kinda feeling like staying undercover still. Of course I'll be out at the bars from time to time. I'm not that antisocial. But I really don't feel like hooking up or dating, or putting up with anyone's bullshit. I have a full plate of my own, i really can't stomach anyone else's right now.

I have a volleyball league starting today. Hopefully I won't sprain my ankle like I did the first night of my last league. And hopefully I'll have the strength to endure my breeder teammates that kinda give me the creeps.

I'm looking forward to going out this weekend with DietPopStar. If she isn't thrown in jail by then. If you don't already, you MUST subscribe to her blog. You will laugh and laugh and laugh......

I'll update with some pictures from my new cameraphone when I feel like it!

Happy Cinco de Mayo bitches!

-D

Breaking the habit.

Wow, what a week of not blogging anything. I've been really really fighting the urge to respond to some bickering going on in my ex's blog. But I've found I have a really really bad habit of overexplaining myself which kind of started the whole mess in the first place. So at this point I don't owe anyone an explanation of any kind. I'll leave it at that.

Thanks for listening.

-D

Lesson 3: Reclaiming your masculinity.

Since we're covering the topic of hair (see previous blog here), I had to type up another lesson on reclaiming masculinity. And I think it will be another photo blog.

This lesson covers the topic of BODY hair. Ok boys I'll just say this once, STOP MOWING THE LAWN!. Ok maybe I'll say it again a little later. But I'm gonna ramble on about it for a bit first.

I had to do a bit of research (yes, I'm that bored) about what started this trend of body hair removal, because, let's face it, body hair removal is an often unpleasant and painful experience (as I'm sure most women will attest) So why did we start doing it? According to The Advocate it started in the 80's and 90's as a way to defy societal perception of gay men's health during the AIDS pandemic. Along with body hair removal was working out and tanning. Those are a separate lessons completely that I'll cover at another time.

Ok, so if you were built, tan, and hairless, you were healthy. We all know that's not true. I can sort of understand the working out and even tanning as far as a "healthy" appearance. But why does this include hair removal? This could have something to do with body builders such as the governor of California. All body builders shave pretty much everything and have even long before the 80's. Hair covers muscle definition. If you're hairless you can see the definition and striation of muscle. OK, but I still don't understand how this translated to guys that had never set foot in a gym. Was it because porn stars were hairless? Most likely. Or maybe it was Calvin Klein's fault. I don't know.

Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter how the trend started but it's 20 years later and I HOPE we're finally starting to reverse this trend. Men are hairy, it's natural. Shoot, even women are hairy. Now I'm not one of those guys that just gets off on hair. It is possible to have too much of a good thing. But I've seen relatively hairless guys remove EVERYTHING. Yes I do mean everything. From my hairy friend Tomek who went to the extreme of having his entire body hair except down there and around back removed by laser. (and you thought shaving burned) to my ex who was part Hispanic and naturally smooth. He would clip his entire body down to a stubble and would then use Nair on the nether regions. He claimed it was to remove body odor which I will address again in another lesson as well.

I know I've rambled on quite enough about this now. So I think it's time to get to those pictures. This time they are not me. (thank god) I looked for a comparison of one guy with and without chest hair and unfortunately couldn't find good pics of just one. So we're have to compare two guys. Which one appears more masculine? This one:





or this one:



To me it's clear but maybe not to everyone. I guess to me nothing says masculinity like a guy with a hairy chest. Agree, disagree? Eh, whatever.

The important thing to remember is keep the manscaping to a minimum. If you have hair that looks good show it off or at least don't be afraid to keep it. Because a lot of people like it :-) Some guys, even if they're wrong (me), equate body hair with masculinity. And if you're still not convinced then do it because straight guys are now trimming and shaving like there's no tomorrow.

You wouldn't want to be a straight guy, would you? I didn't think so,

As I promised, I'll say it again....

STOP MOWING THE LAWN!

-D

The question is......

I am in need of a haircut soon. But, apparently I cannot make a decision for myself on this. I need help. So anyone who reads this vote now by comment, and the most # of votes is what I'll do. Poll closes Thursday 5-4-06 so I can get it cut by next week, either way.

I appreciate it,

-D

THE QUESTION IS.......

To buzz......



Or not buzz.....







And while we're at it I also have another poll.



to Beard.....





to goatee.....





or to form a hybrid of the two.....





Going clean shaven......



IS NOT AN OPTION!!!!!!



Ok vote now.

And no, this wasn't an excuse to be shamelessly post seven pictures of myself. But I did anyway.

Your swift attention to this grooming dilemma is greatly appreciated.



Jesus.... I need to get laid!

Comment bitches!

-D

Tres

Name 3 schools you went to:
1. Western Illinois University
2. Black Hawk College
3. St Ambrose University

Name 3 things in your purse/wallet:
1. Drivers License
2. Credit Cards
3. Movie Theatre Gift certificate

Name 3 things you do when you're really stressed:
1. Play guitar
2. Listen to Music
3. Clean

Name 3 favorite places to shop at:
1. Bed, Bath & Beyond
2. Target
3. Borders

Name 3 places you go to on a daily basis:
1. Work
2. Work
3. Work

Name 3 favorite fruits:
1. Pineapple
2. Oranges
3. Tomatoes, yes, they are fruit.

Three of your everyday foods:
1. Eggs
2. Mt Dew
3. Cheese

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. T-Shirt
2. Shorts
3. Stink

Three places you want to go on a vacation:
1. Hawaii
2. San Francisco
3. Italy

Who are 3 people you see the most?
1. Ed
2. Eric
3. Diet Pop Star ( well I see her blogs everyday)

What kind of drunk are you?

What type of drunk are you?

My Results:

Flirt Drunk



When you get drunk you become uninhibited sexually and are always looking for ways to get laid. Flirting is much easier for you, and for some reason, alcohol makes you more charming.

See what type of drunk are you, take the test now!

Stormy Weather

Yeah here's a shot of the April 13th storm out of my apartment window. All the really destructive stuff missed the Quads. Just some light rain. Which made taking lightning pics easier. Iowa City had a tornado, somebody died. But I'm sure you already knew that





I spent today doing absolutely nothing productive. And I didn't even have internet service all day. Just goes to show I can't blame the internet for my lack of productivity. Just have to blame myself. :-) But I am on a mission to ride my bike at some point this weekend, slowly inching my way into being more fit. Baby steps.

So this weekend should be fun. Except for tonight. Nothing going on tonight. Tomorrow I have a party to go to with a bunch of coworkers. I never party with my coworkers so it should be an experience. Then Easter Sunday I guess I'm hanging with my roommate and his parents , sipping margaritas and playing some games and of course having Easter dinner.



Happy Easter everyone!

-D

A moment of introspection.

Anyway uh, my ex has written his own diatribe about "no more" which is a step forward for him. Despite once again writing in a derivative fashion. (Be original!) I'm glad he's pulling himself together and moving on. What we had going was not healthy for either one of us. He's made it his mission to forget me and apparently wants me to do the same. But I'm not exactly in a forgetful kind of space. I think forgetting the people you date and the things that happen in your relationships will make you repeat yourself over and over. If we don't pay attention to our own history are we bound to repeat it? Absolutely.

I've noticed a similar pattern in the men I've dated seriously. In my own way I loved all three but there was definitely a cycle of intensity that each relationship went through and a time came when things were winding down and sometimes crashing down. I, of course, have been the one each time to call things out and say , "you know what? this isn't working!" Each time I acted in reaction to them. Whether it was because of constant bickering and fighting, or a lack of involvement on their part..... Now don't get me wrong I'm no angel, I'm just as much to blame for what brought about the endings as they were. But the breaking up part always seems to be initiated by me while they live in denial.

I've had 3 somewhat messy breakups and each of the guys has expressed different forms of love and hatred for me at the same time. Am I the only person who's in this type of pattern? And how in the fuck do I break out of it?!!!

I have a need for control. In my relationships I've always felt I had an emotional control over the guys to some degree. Maybe that makes me cold and distant perhaps. But I'm all about self preservation. No matter what happens I will be in control of my own emotions. But there's a backlash to this suffocating emotional control I attempt to perpetuate. Sometimes I bottle up so much that I don't allow myself to feel angry, to feel betrayed, and to be decisive. Does every breakup consist of one person who holds it together and another that's a fucking mess? Is there ever such thing as a "mutual" breakup? Not that I haven't mourned the end of my relationships. I truly have. But it's one thing to grieve yet quite another to obsess over it and lose your shit. I've never been on the other side of the fence. I've felt rejection and heartache but I've seen some extreme behaviors from my exs. Such out of character behavior from my exs I've witnessed, endured, and struggled to cope with include desperate cries for attention including hospitalization, fist fights, stalking, and balls-out lying and manipulation to get me back. Is this normal? I can't figure out why, or what I do that brings about such a shift in behavior.

In the beginning, each came to me and expressed interest in me. Maybe I need to do the approaching next time around. There's a certain safety net automatically in place when you start dating someone that has approached you first. You usually don't have to second guess their motivation. The problem I run into is self-DOUBT. I start to doubt my feelings for continuing the relationship. I once doomed a relationship with my thinking that "it isn't going to last" It's a very cynical way to love. And ultimately assisted with my decision to end it.

I've always felt that I was a forgiving person. Too forgiving sometimes. When I'm in love with a guy, he could do just about anything and I would find a way to forgive him. Sometimes that's worked out fine and other times I've held onto resentment despite professing forgiveness. And I've also prematurely forgiven myself for things I've done. Sometimes we deserve to feel guilty. And if we feel no guilt or remorse then what lesson have we learned?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out the lessons of my most recent break up. I don't regret my decision to call it off. But in looking forward to the next relatinoship I'm trying to figure out a way to be less forgiving, more honest, and more decisive.

Thanks for reading, this is enough thinking for me for one late monday/early tuesday.

Peace, love and crisco.....

-D

The shot heard around the world

Um yeah, I had a long blog typed up about Kurt Cobain blah blah blah. He died and the world mourned. And the music industry quickly went back to the same crap it had always been.

I started playing guitar because of Nirvana. Fairly simple stuff to play compared with Metallica, and Stevie Ray Vaughn that I still attempt to play. I've played since 1992, Fourteen years and rarely finish a single song. Not that I can't, I just don't. Nirvana was the shit and Kurt said things that I felt. Whether it was how bad the music industry was or how he hated misogynysts and bully jocks. I was a jock back then but always felt like an outsider despite being very popular and able to fit with any clique from bandgeeks to jocks and cheerleaders and occasionally even the burnouts. i was basically looking for somewhere to fit in, like an asshole. Kurt wasn't shy to talk about gay issues to the mainstream and gay press. He even admitted to thinking he was gay for a while and sometimes would wear a dress and his frail body. Maybe he was just another drug addicted mentally handicapped rockstar that cracked under the pressures of fame. But no one can take away the legacy of his music and the lasting effect he had on me. Their music just summed up every thought and feeling I had back in those days. My closet days. I was a closeted angry fag. I was angry that I was gay, that I was different. I'd always wanted so desperately to be like everyone else. Thankfully that has changed to a degree.... I came out of the closet and, well, that was about all.

Back in those days I'd spend hours reading over bound versions of old Advocate Magazines from as far back as like 1988. Soaking in as much about gay and lesbian culture and history as I could and still remain in the closet. The stuff I read back then would make me so angry. Whether it was gay bashing or the government dragging its feet on AIDS research, to overall intolerance. It seemed so easy to me to get along with people and appreciate them for who they were. But I wasn't being myself at the same time. This really has nothing to do with Kurt Cobain, but Nevermind was like the soundtrack for my life back then so I get a bit nostalgic.

So anyway, um yeah, it sucked that he killed himself. It would have been at least interesting if not great to see what direction his music or Art would have went in. Would he have faded away or still burned out and OD'ed like Layne Staley? Would he have turned into the Butthole Surfers? Would he have lost his ass and filed for Bankruptcy and ended up homeless like in his teen years? We'll never know.

Thanks Kurt for making the soundtrack of my 20's

Peace, love, and empathy

-D

Defined

Dusty --

[adjective]:

Fuzzy to the touch



'How">http://www.quizgalaxy.com/quiz.php?id=83">'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at http://www.quizgalaxy.com" style="color: #FF0000;">QuizGalaxy.com



hmmmm.. is this like a fresh peach fuzzy, or are we talking about fuzzy like mold. The way my ass has been so lazy I'm thinking it's more like the latter. Anywayz I have nothing else to say.

Wait, yes I do. I was going to enter a photo contest in the River Cities Reader but didn't get around to either selecting images I'd already shot or taking some new ones. I now have a flickr.com site. Here's a link to it.

http://flickr.com/photos/68846854@N00/

It's a really fun site for posting pics and getting feedback. And I'm not talking about pics of me, but pictures like photography that I like to do. Ok there are some pics of me but what else are you gonna shoot when your sitting around by yourself. No one wants to see pictures of piles of laundry. :-)

No More

No more liar

No more cheater

No more emotionally weak

No more financially dependent

No more whiner

No more sponge

No more child

No more passenger

No more infection

No more manipulation

No more girlie

No more abandonment

You want to be an asshole when I've went out of my way to be kind and respectful of your feelings, then go ahead. These things always have a way of coming back to get you. It's karma baby!!!!



No more scrub

-D

How I die.

You scored as Disappear. Your death will be by disappearing, probably a camping trip gone wrong or an evening hike you never returned from. Always remeber that one guy who was hiking alone and got in a rock slide. He could have died, but he cut his own hand off to save himself. Don't end up like him (or worse, dead).










Disappear

93%
Bomb

80%
Posion

73%
Stabbed

73%
Natural Causes

73%
Drowning

47%
Suicide

47%
Gunshot

47%
Suffocated

40%
Disease

40%
Eaten

27%
Accident

7%
Cut Throat

7%


How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com

Insight for one.

Chad was right.

I hope anyone who reads this will have the power to differentiate between a friend's good, and bad advice. And to expel from your heart, the people that show disregard for your feelings.

-D

Finally , it's happenin to me right, in front of my face....

No I'm not talking about my love/sex life. Finally I'm writing another blog. I know you missed me. Ok, so you didn't, witness my sincere apathy.

I don't really have a great deal to comment on. Same shit different day. My 2 year old niece is saying my name now, that was good news. I tied one on Saturday night and spent all day Sunday sensitive to light and sound. I had some Harris pizza to dull the pain in my head and vegged out all day, watching Desperate Housewives Season 1. I've discovered I'm a TV on DVD type of person. I can't commit to watching a show each week but I will rent or buy an entire season of a show that I like. This is the first time I've seen DH, (last person on the planet apparently) If God or Satan and whoever could roll John the Gardener and Mike the plumber ,with a past, into one man I'd lock him in a cage and keep him forever. That's me I don't care if they're older, younger, hairy, smooth, white, black, whatever, just bring it on. :-) I swear this isn't a rant about needing or wanting to get laid. Just more incessant rambling. I need to vary my routine. Eventually I'll run out of TV shows and be forced to go work out to cure the sheer boredom I will almost surely experience.



And I'm done.

-D

Survey said! ---- 24% Virgin

Minus 1 for everything that you've done. Then repost as your [ start with 100BR>
1.Smoked. -1

2.Drank alcohol. -1

3.Cried when someone died. -1

4.Been drunk.-1

5.Had sex.-1 (uh, a few times)

6.Been to a concert. -1

7.Given a handjob/gotten a handjob. -1 ( who says giving is better than receiving?)


8.Given a blowjob/gotten a blowjob. -1 ( I got skills)


9.Been verbally sexually harassed.-1


10.Verbally sexually harassed somebody. -1 (flirting isn't harassment, ok well sometimes it is)


11.Felt someone up and/or been felt up. -1


12.Laughed so hard something came out of your nose. -1 (yeah, and one time mike was........ and it came out thru his nose) :-)

13.Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before. -1 (dawg)

14.Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend. -1 (usually knew b4 they told me)

15.Been to prom.-1 (like 4 times, I guess I like to wear tuxes)

16.Cried at school.-1 (not during class, but maybe in my dorm room back in college)

17.Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store. -1

18.Went streaking. -1(skinny dipping/mooning count?)

19.Given a lap dance.


20.Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.-1

21.Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.-1

22.Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.-1 (this question is getting redundant)

23.Kissed a stranger.-1 (only when I'm really horny or really drunk, and if both then it was probably more than kissing :-))


24.Hugged a stranger.-1

25.Went scuba diving. -1 (snorkeling counts)

26.Driven a car.-1

27.Gotten an xray.-1 (lots)

28.Hit by a car.


29.Had a party.-1

30.Done drugs. (never) nothing illegal


31.Played strip poker. -1

32.Got paid to strip for someone.

33.Ran away from home.


34.Broken a bone


35.Eaten sushi. (gross)

36.Bought porn. -1 (um, I should open my own rental store)

37.Watched porn.-1 (duh)

38.Made porn.-1 (well, there was this one time I.....)

39.Had a crush on someone of the same sex. -1 (um duh, i'm a big homo)


40.Been in love.-1

41.Frenched kissed.-1 (big sloppy kisses)

42.Laughed so hard you cried. -1

43.Cried yourself to sleep. -1 (when I was a kid, but I can't remember why)

44.Laughed yourself to sleep. -1 ( on a family vacation with my brother's coming up with new words for well-known acronyms) yeah we're dorks.

45.Stabbed yourself. -1(not with a knife, but pins, needles, etc)

46.Shot a gun.-1


47.Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day. -1 (is truth telling trash talking?)

48.Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours. -1(damn lord of the rings movies)

49.Been online for 9 consecutive hours.-1 (myspace and gay.com is EVIL)

50.Watched an animal die.-1

51.Watched a person die.-1 ( we're kinda all dying as we speak)

52.Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.-1 (one extra person or the person I messing around with? , either way yes)

53.Pranked somebody. -1

54.Put somebody in the hospital.

55.Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.-1

56.Kissed somebody of the same sex.-1 (total mo)

57.Dressed punk. -1 (I think I tried at a few concerts I went to, well grunge isn't punk, but punk isn't really punk either, so whatever)

58.Dressed goth. (no, I like the sun too much)

59.Dressed preppy.-1 (guilty as charged)

60.Been to a motocross race.

61.Avoided somebody.-1 (all the time)

62.Been stalked. -1

63.Stalked someone. -1 (first crush)

64.Met a celebrity.-1 (I met the singer from Live, Ed Kowalczyk and Congressman Lane Evans)

65.Played an instrument.-1 (guitar, harmonica, drums keyboard, piano, xylophone,saxophone) I wasn't a band geek but I've attempted to play all of these.

66.Ridden a horse. (surprisingly no)

67.Cut yourself.-1 (all the time, but not in a self-mutilating "in-need-of-therapy" kind of way)


68.Bungee jumped.

69.Ding dong ditched somebody.-1 (i'm not sure what the hell this even means, but I probably did it)

70.Been to a wild party.-1 (threw a wild party in college, 2 live bands, about 10 kegs, close to a 1000 people.) and that wasn't even a frat party

71.Got caught stealing something. (never caught)

72.Kicked a guy in the balls.-1 (but not on purpose)


73.Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend. -1 (not really, but I made out with a few of my college buddies girlfriends after they broke up Aaaaah, being in the closet,I wasn't interested but they sure were)

74.Went out with your friend's crush. (nope)

75.Got arrested. (could have been several times but was lucky)

76.Been pregnant.

77.Babysat.-1

78.Been to another country.

79.Started your house on fire. -1 ( I burned the hell ouf of ravioli in college, it started a fire but no serious damage)

80.Had an encounter with a ghost. -1 (I think so, damn ouiga boards. I think my ex gf was moving it)

81.Donated your hair to cancer patients.

82.Been asked out by someone that you never though you'd to be asked out by.-1

83.Cried over a member of the opposite sex.-1

84.Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months.-1


85.Sat on your ass all day.-1 (Mike is a bad influence)

86.Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.-1 (there again, Mike is a bad influence)

87.Had a job. -1 (stupid)

88.Gotten cut from a sports team. (I was always decent at sports, not a star but not last pick either)


89.Been called a whore.-1 ( yeah, but Russ calls everyone whore)


90.Danced like a whore.-1 (isn't all dancing inherently whore-ish?)


91.Been mistaken for a celebrity. (no, but I've had a few people say I resemble Matthew Perry in the heavy years)


92.Been in a car accident.-1 (2 of them)

93.Been told you have beautiful eyes.-1 (all the time, because they are reflective)


94.Been told you have beautiful hair.-1 (not at present time, but someone once said I had hollywood hair, I took it as a compliment)

95.Raped somebody. (never had to force anyone, although a couple of hookups gave me the impression they weren't into me, but they never said no)

96.Danced in the rain. -1

97.Been rejected.-1 (only a few times, i'm a bit of a chicken)


98.Walked out of a restaurant without paying.

99.Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.-1 (sorry Chris)

100.Been raped. (can't rape the willing)

now repost and put your "-- irgin" as the subject
BE HONEST!

36irgin. Damn I am used goods

Favorite movie of last year

Ok, so my favoorite movie from last year came out on DVD yesterday. Yes it was RENT. I'm not afraid to admit it. Despite having come of age (whatever that really means) in the 90's I had never been exposed to RENT. I wasn't about to become interested in a musical in the grunge-filled 90's. It just seemed like that would have been the furthest thing from what I felt at that time. I did sample the music back then and wasn't impressed, especially with voices of the male characters. But after seeing it all acted out I fell in love with it.

I watched the movie and 3 hours of extra features and realized the lipsyncing in parts was really bad. I think the music is still great and I personally still hate most musicals. The unfortunate part is each time I actually find a musical that I like (RENT, Chicago) I go rent others thinking I might actually like musicals but I still haven't found that to be the case. My personal least favorites are Jesus Christ Superstar and Moulin Rouge. They can both go to hell. Here's a list of some of the musicals (movies) I've seen and my grading A-F.

Oklahoma - D , just like living in Oklahoma

South Pacific - C (I saw this like 20 years ago, and can't honestly remember if it's a musical. I just remember I thought it was campy and stupid.)

RENT - A (the best) favorite tunes include Another Day, La Vie Boheme, Light my Candle and Jesse Martin singing I'll Cover You (reprise), makes me cry almost every time I watch it. So uplifting, and I usually don't identify with such a positive message.

Chicago - A (Renee and Catherine so impressed me) favorites Cell Block Tango, All That Jazz, Roxie, and When you're good to mama.

Victor, Victoria - B meh, it was better than I thought it might be.

Jesus Chris Superstar - F, go to hell. I'm not saying jesus should go to hell, just his musical.

Moulin Rouge - F , go to hell twice

Music Man - D ugh, seriously, I saw this when I was like 10, my Mom must have been prepping me to be gay. I think this is the one that has Gary, Indiana in it. Ok my mom lived in Gary for about 6 months and fucking hated it. nuff said.

Mary Poppins - A, Julie Andrews, Dick Van Dyke, a childhood favorite. Spoonful, Chimney sweep song. a Classic

Sound of Music - I've never been able to sit through this in it's entirety. So I give it somewhere between C and F

Phantom of the Opera - D I thought there was potential for a good one here but I ended up hating it. I don't think it's necessary to sing every single word. I've always hated that style. I like musicals that are more in touch with how we relate music to our lives. Breaking into song to express emtions is believable. Singing a conversation isn't believable and makes me cringe

West Side Story - D, talk about campy, I feel pretty, ooh so pretty and GAAAAAYYYYY!~ I prefer gritty Romeo and Juliet. This one reminded me of MIchael Jackson's beat it. Dancing street gangs, ridiculous. Saw it in high school.

Grease - B, John TRavolta, Olivia NEwton John. ok yeah I admit I liked this one a bit. I can't put my finger on why that is. The 50's were so retarded and repressed. and I guess I can understand that. Don't ask why.

Hedwig and the ANgry Inch - B John Cameron Mitchell did a terrific job with this. I felt the movie lacked something, possibly due to budget. Origin of Love and the one about Angry Inch were favorite tunes.

Rocky Horror Picture Show - C Tim Curry is quite funny in parts as Frankenfurter. Susan Sarandon's voice is awful. I do admit this can be a guilty pleasure on occasion. Overall I still give a low rating mostly because the rabid fans of this show give me the creeps a lot of times.

Camp - B some amazing vocal performances here. Especially Sasha Allen. This isn't technically a musical as much as it is a movie about musicals. After hearing "ANd I am telling you I'm not going" , I'm excited to see the movie version of Dreamgirls, (starring Beyonce) currently in production.

I'm trying to remember others I might have seen. But I think that hits most of the memorable ones. Please share your comments and/or suggestions for others that might be worth checking out.

Tired of getting blamed for other's bullshit

Yeah, that's right. I've been blamed. Fortunately it's for spreading truth so I'm not exactly in a guilty kind of mood. As most do or don't know I've only been single for a short time. While I was with my ex and a short time after, I shared some things with him in confidence about my friends (although I was HARDLY the only person they told). Those details later came to light.

I could sit here and blame my ex. But, for once, I don't. Can someone tell a friend things and expect that they won't share this with their partner? The person they tell everything to? It just seems very unfair that I get full blame for this situation. I can accept my share but damn! I'm sitting here drunk and just kinda pissed off. But I'm going to censor myself from providing too many details so as not to exacerbate an already tense situation. I am the first to admit my shortcomings and am starting to feel either the culmination of them or am being dumped on by malcontents.

No, it's not another song lyric, apparently they're lame.

-D

The need to express, to communicate

Here are a couple of cool art links I found. And this is the 2nd time I'm typing this damn message.

This first one deals with the downtown NYC art scene 1974-1984 and the 2nd link is just a painter I stumbled on that made me want to see more.

http://www.nyu.edu/greyart/exhibits/downtown/dthome.htm

http://www.mtrgraphics.com/dotweb/index.htm

Can I just tell you.....

Can I just tell you, my space blogs suck. I once again lost a long blog I had typed about my inability to feel alive when I'm at work. But my browser froze and I had to reboot just as I'd ended my rant. So I'll give you the abridged version:

Life's a bitch and then I died.

-D

Chase VISA sucks.

Ok so yeah, as my blog has reflected late last year I got behind on a lot of my bills. Well I finally started a slow recovery when my roommate moved in mid-November. After the holidays I was in good shape and everything appeared to be caught up. I was even able to buy gifts for the children in my family. Well then I received my January Chase statement and my minimum payment was about 8 times what it normally is. I always pay online so I still have my statements and can view the stubs. I knew I'd paid on time because I'd had trouble getting everything paid for 2-3 months and was trying my best to avoid more late fees. So I looked at my statements and realized that I'd paid $1 short on my December statement. I know this was my bonehead mistake, but thought wow it was a $1 seemed hardly fair $1 should end up costing me $74. So I called them up and they wouldn't waive it referencing the "cardmember" agreement. I work in customer service I waive fees and charges every day but she wouldn't budge. After working 10 hours I wasn't ready to start a fight with the poor slug who answered the phones. So I figured I'd bitch about it on here.

I feel like MIchael Douglas in that movie Falling Down. Was that the one where he just fucking loses it and takes a baseball bat to the Fast Food restaurant when they wouldn't serve him breakfast five minutes after the cut off time? This has put me in a bad mood because I've already sent my normal minimum payment this month on time and can't afford to come up with the difference they're asking for until I get paid again. Which means I'll probably have to pay another $74 on top of the already exorbitent (sp?) $74 charges. I think I feel steam coming out of my ears. Just another example of corporate America sticking it to the honest workin man.

Takin' what they givin', cuz I'm working for a livin'....

-D

PS: I'll give your blog kudos if you can name the song and artist of my ending lyrics.

Brokeback Mountain, movie review.... beware some spoilers

Ok, so I saw Brokeback Mountain last night with 3 friends. The big homo opening weekend, well in the Quad Cities anyway. So let me first start by saying I thought the movie was just OK. I figure I will receive some negative comments about this one, so I'll explain a few things.

I had a problem with the brevity of character development in this movie. These two guys fall in love and have a hidden relationship for around 20 years which in itself is heartbraking. But this movie just lacked the emotion one would expect from a story of such longing. I never got the sense that either of them longed for each while apart. They get married, have families, and continue this relationship as "fishing buddies" Which sounds like a great premise but I wasn't pulled into the emotions these characters would feel. Their initial tryst was so unexpected and bordered on violence. I might be putting myself into the characters too much but after a quick roll in the hay that borders on rape I doubt very much I'm going to fall in love with the guy.

They part ways after that summer and don't see each other again for 4 years. At which time they tear into each like rabid dogs in heat! ?? Why? It just seemed like the director short changed us on HOW these guys fell in love. Too little time was spent on the development of this all consuming love in order to show off-center shots of mountains, sheep and running water. Again this could be my lack of understanding the characters. Possibly this stern cowboy exterior was why less emotion was shown. Could it have been intentional? On their next time together there was a brief bed time together where they talked intimately. I felt that scene could have been included earlier in the movie as it would better illustrate this sense of intimacy they would long for 4 years later. Also since the movie takes place over 20 years I lost track of time. It was so random, back and forth between their lives with family and their times together on the mountain. I mean throwing a moustache on Jake Gyllenhall doesn't make him 20 years older. Give 'em both beer guts and graying hair, that I could believe. At times the acting was good but dialogue seemed so forced. I just didn't get swept up in the story. The one emotion I felt was sadness for Ennis' wife and family.

Ok, so now I'll tell you what things I did like. I liked them making out after not seeing each other 4 years. Rough and tumble, that was very convincing. Almost every scene Michelle Williams was in , was a keeper. Heather Ledger's accent while dead on, was also almost inaudible at times but overall very good job. Jake Gyllenhall was actually more emotionally effective as a guy repeatedly heartbroken by not being able to be with his man exclusively. And the scene where Ennis is anticipating Jack's arrival where he's flipping the lighter and smoking one cig after another was effective.

But overall, I just kept anticipating that I would be more emotionally involved in the story and it would be a tearjerker. It wasn't. As for this hype created around it. Eh, I think anything that pisses off the religious freaks is a plus. And I read today that the movie wasn't shown in Salt Lake City. Anyway, long review short, my recommendation if you're looking for a tearjerker including gay characters this season then watch the movie version of the musical Rent or wait for it to come out on DVD. That made me cry twice. I'm such a girl.



Mama Don't let your Babies grow up to be Cowboys....(in bareback I mean brokeback mountain)

Comment away,

-D

Can I get a AMEN?!?!?!?!?!?!

Thank God or whoever that the holidays are over. If I eat one more piece of fudge or rice crispy treat, I think I'l fucking explode. I really have nothing more to say. But rambling is my specialty, so here goes:

Lately I have been so starved for new music. Is it just me or does music suck more now than it did in the late 80's? I mean, let's consider all the rapid advances in techonology since say 1989. Basically Ipod's and MP3's make it easier than ever to listen to the music you want. But I've definitely turned my back on new music to listen to old stuff again. I went through a soul music stage, collected about 10 CD's then before I lost internet service I started getting into the "cool as folk" station on yahoo messenger. Being a shitty guitarist myself I've always appreciated folkie music or any type of music that included guitars. But I miss rock music. Someone had to explain to me what the hell EMO was. Am I the only one that doesn't get the distinction between that and various other forms of hard rock music. So many clones out there, I don't hear a distinctive rock voice. I hear a lot of bands that sound like blink 182 and bands that took over Creed's shlock rock place. Maybe I am just being too lazy to look so hard to find music that doesn't make me wanna ram a pencil into each eardrum. Maybe I've just reached that age that I don't give a shit about new music anymore. Probably a little of both.

I wanna be sedated.....

-D.

Who are you, and what do you want?

My patience is wearing thin. Relax I'm not some ticking timebomb waiting for the optimum time to take down my coworkers in a hail of bullets. But I'm just sick and tired. I've been down with the sickness for about a week now. Congestion, body aches and pains, pounding headaches, sensitivity to light, fevers. You name another cold, flu, sinus sympton and I've probably experienced it this week. Even my teeth are sensitive to cold for the first time. All of this on top of working about 9 hours of overtime this week. Overall this is making me cranky, especially to my fellow myspace bloggers and to some coworkers and customers.

Sorry, ya'll.

-D