Paralysis.....

I still sleep on the left side of the bed.
And wake up clutching his pillow.
We haven't spoke in seven months.
I convinced myself it was time to let go.
After my birthday, how selfish.

Writing about this brings back memories.
Of turning to him for comfort after my cousin's death.
Of the week long trip to Chicago.
Of sharing the news I would be an uncle.
I really miss him hearing that I'll be an uncle again.

There is at least a daily story that involves him.
Occasionally vague, but often by name.
I told a friend today how much he hated mushrooms.
Never allowing them in spaghetti sauce.
He said they were like tongues, but I love mushrooms.

He'd never pass gas in front of me,
Except in his sleep.
Once, I dried the small of his back
Whispering wet back in his ear.
Completely forgetting the words offensive connotation.

He was rightfully leary of my family.
And I was unfairly protective of them.
He rarely ignored or missed a word I said
Although I often accused him of not listening.
And now I say nothing for fear no one is listening.

I believe he has moved on from the heartache I caused.
I sometimes wonder if I can.